Etiquette 101: Guest List
July 9, 2008 · Posted in etiquette by anne
Next up on our list of dilemmas, Amy and her guest list issues. She writes,
My fiance and I are having trouble with our guest list. We want a relatively intimate affair, with people who truly mean something to us, people who have been influential to us as a couple. In other words: no strangers. My immediate family (including my dad) has not been on good terms with my father’s parents/siblings for over a year. I remain in some contact but it’s very limited. We live so far away that my fiance has not met anyone from that side of the family. We’d really like to have a wedding without them there since they’ve proven to cause drama in the past. What to do?
The questions you need to answer: Is this family split permanent or short term? Specifically, is this something that would be resolved in a year or two? If these short separations have happened in the past or you see a possibility of a resolution, I would invite them. A wedding can be an opportunity for repairing that relationship.
That being said, this is your wedding. If you do not want to invite your father’s family, and your father is at peace with that decision, then do not invite them. Guilt is a major motivating factor in creating the guest list, and a horrible emotion to be guided by. Most brides don’t want to hurt feelings or make acquaintances feel excluded. Do not force yourself into a much larger wedding simply out of guilt. Have the wedding you want. We were discussing this very issue with two close friends last night. They struggled with who to invite out of our group of friends. My advice? If you would not call, write or email to tell them you are pregnant or moving, then you should not invite them. Bottom line.
A.
I am having a similar issue with my aunts and uncles who are not on speaking terms with my parents. Although I know there won’t be issues at the wedding, I don’t want my parents feeling anything less than thrilled that day. I’ve gone back and forth, and still don’t have a resolution. Look forward to hearing what others have to say!
we had the exact same issue. my father’s brother and sister weren’t speaking to him and i’ve always loved all of my cousins, but things were very distant. i didn’t want to invite them, but my dad really wanted to reach out to them. i had always gone to all of my cousins’ weddings. we ended up inviting them and my dad’s sister and all of her kids came and my dad’s brother’s kids came. we have all been talking once a week since the wedding. it was a great start to repairing the relationship. weddings are a very special time and they remind people to love and forgive. i wouldn’t have invited a friend that i felt this way about, but family is different to me. i’m so glad that we invited them and that we don’t feel regretful now about any of that. that’s just my opinion.
i think etiquette books would say that you don’t HAVE to invite your family, if you are looking for a technical answer, but speaking from experience, it worked out for the best for us to invite them. my parents still ended up really enjoying the day. i was really worried that it would ruin it for them, but it didn’t. there were lots of happy tears!
Thank you for tackling this for me. I have given it a lot of thought, and still don’t have a good answer. The last fall out actually occurred at my cousins wedding (which I was unable to attend) my mom called me in tears and it’s been a bumpy road ever since. The rest of my family is so extremely close, that when the other side of the family is around it is always tense, awkward and strained and it’s been like that for as long as I can remember.
Thanks Erin and SSp for your responses!
And Anne, your last lince is exactly the line I’ve been using in deciding on everyone else! And for the bridal party it’s been “would they be one of my very first calls”. It’s so tough to decide who to include, but it will all work itself out!
Thanks again!
I had this same issue at my wedding and truly regret inviting as many people as I did. It became more about them than it was about my husband and myself. It’s a tough call, but you need to be able to look back on your wedding day and remember what it meant to the two of you, NOT how your family spent the day taking jabs at one another.
@ Danielle: I totally agree. I had the same problem, which is why I highly advocate inviting only those you really love.
@ Amy: We’re happy to help! I hope you are able to resolve the situation with as little pain as possible.
