Etiquette 101: Family
Posted in anne, etiquette by anne
Aylee commented with concerns over how to handle out of state/country family members.
I don’t have a lot of relatives here in the US, but I can’t invite all of them due to budget constraints. I decided to invite only those that are very close to me. However, a lot of them (that I don’t plan to invite) have invited themselves. They’ve been waiting and asking when I’m getting married for a while. What is a good way to handle this?
If you are having a large wedding, and just don’t want them there: Telling family that they aren’t invited because of budget (especially if you are inviting a lot of friends) is hurtful. I would invite them and cut out friends. Trust me, I know of to many brides who have concentrated on friends rather than family. The brides no longer speak to the friends and have had to work to repair the relationship with their families.
I’m assuming, however, that you are having an intimate wedding with only immediate family and close friends attending. My advice would be to tell them kindly that you are restricted because of budget and can’t afford to have a big wedding. Be up front with them, or else this will turn into a big problem. Honesty is very important in this type of situation. Your parents should also help you explain the situation and try to minimize the drama.
I would also consider a casual party to celebrate your new marriage. Give those who love you the chance to spend time with you and your new husband. It doesn’t need to be extravagant, and they will greatly appreciate being included.
A.
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I think a casual after party - a few weeks or months after the wedding - is a great idea! Especially if one of the couple is from another town, and his family still lives there.
We’re thinking of doing this ourselves.
I say don’t feel guilty about inviting friends over family. Sometimes friends are all the family someone has, and that’s totally fine!
This is so difficult. We have had one family member inviting two other family members and their partner, none of whom we had any intention of inviting. We tried explaining very carefully that we were having a very small and intimate wedding but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. So, they are all coming and I feel that our relationship with the initial relative has suffered for the complete lack of respect she has shown us and our wishes. Which is a shame because we got on well before the wedding. We thought that by giving in and accepting they would be coming the relative in question would appreciate that we had made an effort but she doesn’t, she’s just angry that the others weren’t invited to begin with and that we told her that.
Personally I wish we had stood up for our wishes because our relationship with her is damaged even though we backed down. I would rather it was damaged and that these people weren’t coming to the wedding.
I guess what I’m getting at is that if you back down don’t expect people to appreciate it!
Weddings can really bring out the best and the worst in people.
My fiance and I live in Chicago and all of our family and most close friends live in Kansas or other parts of the country. There was (still is) a whole lot of drama surrounding our decision to have our wedding in Chicago (financial reasons, laziness, whatever). We are having a second party to celebrate in Kansas a few months after. My fiance really wanted a small, small wedding, so our compromise is to limit our Chicago guest list as much as possible (our venue limits us to 150). So, some people are being invited to both events (so no one feels completely obligated to come to Chicago) and some people are only invited to the second event. We have decided we will make no apologies for our decisions because it is OUR wedding. That may sound selfish, but honestly, no one else has to be involved for the two of us to get married. (Can anyone tell I’m soooo on the fence of eloping, like, on a daily basis?)
It really amazes me how selfish and ridiculous people become when weddings are involved. I totally agree with you, P & P!
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