DJ was been married before, between when we were engaged the first time and when we re-found each other. He’s the kind of guy who has always, always wanted to be married and (at the right time) have a family. It’s a good quality. So I can’t blame him for meeting a girl in college and settling down right after. Lots of people are on that schedule, and while he was dating and marrying I had a fairly serious boyfriend myself.
Our second shot at dating was very sincere, from the very beginning. We both wanted specific things and weren’t willing to settle. We had to trust each other to get it right this time. Neither of us wanted to be a placeholder in a photo.
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After DJ proposed, I started asking questions about his first wedding. I knew enough of his perspective on the marriage to believe that lessons were learned, but I was still afraid of making a major gaffe. I didn’t want to repeat anything, or inadvertently create similarities. So I pestered him with questions. What kind of dress did she wear – white, ivory, ballgown, strapless? What was their first dance? What colors did the bridesmaids wear, and what kind of flowers did she carry? Did they register for china? Did they have readings or music during the ceremony?
It was really confusing to me that the answer was frequently “I don’t know.” Really, he seemed to not know, but I couldn’t wrap my head around that. How could you just not know? He said he hadn’t been involved in the planning. That he hadn’t given much input in the registry. But still, I just didn’t get it.
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As months went by I asked less and was more confident that his friends and family would be too kind to remind us of our checkered pasts. Not to mention the fun I was having collecting silver and sewing chair covers (oh boy!) But I did ask one more time, and finally got the real answer. DJ said that he doesn’t want to remember. He wants to remember our wedding not as his second, but as the one that made a marriage. So he’s made an effort to forget whether his ex wore a veil, where they registered, the dinner menu, and what kind of toast his best man made.
Oh. That I can understand. So I’ve stopped asking – and, for the most part, caring. I’m sure his ex was a beautiful bride and they probably had a very nice wedding. But even if we happened to like the same flowers, it wouldn’t be the same at all.
Have any of you planned around a prior marriage? Any sage advice for the seconds?
OMG, he’s so kind! I was already thinking of how could men [in general] just forget about such important day!
Guys like him makes me be sure that they’re not all the same, and reminds me that I got myself one of those special ones, yay!
[I must say, thanks to Batman Comics, he's able to get informations from little details, such as the way i look at him, or some despretencious words posted on a blog. I can't lie to him!]
Anyway, you’re such a lucky girl! I wish the best for you two!
My fiance was also married before… I get jealous sometimes but I also can’t blame him as he’s 8 years older than me. When I get too obsessed about what his ex was like and how I can make sure I do something different, I just stop myself, take a deep breath, and think that without the experiences he had with her (pretty bad ones) he may not have been formed into the man with whom I am now in love. Also, his first wedding was a production and he wasn’t very involved with things… our wedding will be much simpler with only close friends and we’re planning it together.
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My husband was married once before. He was clear at the beginning he didn’t want his first wedding all over again. But he also didn’t want to tell me about it because he didn’t want me to compare myself or our wedding to his ex or their wedding.
Our wedding was definitely our wedding. It bore no resemblance to his first (his mom told me she had a better time this time). It’s best to plan without thinking of anyone’s wedding and do things your way.
You are already doing anything I could think of. There is another blogger planning her encore wedding that doesn’t seem to communicate any of her concerns to her fiance and it keeps her in constant turmoil. Just make sure to keep it so he will voice his opinion and let you know how he feels, and so that you keep in mind that you might need to be flexible around his feelings or wants.
You have the ticket … definitely different even if the same! Cheers!! Xoxo-BLC
My fiance and I are in a similar situation. He has been married and I really don’t want to have the same wedding. In a lot of ways it makes me sad because I feel like she gets to take some of that away from me. For example I have always wanted bubbles at my wedding. And not the little containers, but a huge bubble machine with millions of bubbles. When I told my fiance he said he didn’t like bubbles. I was shocked! How could you not like bubbles, I love bubbles, this could be a deal breaker! :) just kidding, by the way. But when I kept pestering him about why he hated bubbles so much he said they had bubbles at their wedding. I burst into tears. Here she was again, some woman I’ve never met, infringing on my dreams! He wished he had never said anything. And in reality we don’t talk about their wedding day much at all. He claims to not remember a lot too! Needless to say, I have learned that he does love me and he doesn’t think about their marriage. And when it does come up it’s about how something wasn’t right and how they probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and he shouldn’t have waited to meet me. A lot of times I forget that he has had a wedding and I think of it like a first wedding for both of us!
Oh and Lauren, I’m glad I’m not the only one that gets jealous sometimes! The crazy thing is that I don’t get as jealous over his ex-wife as I do some of his ex-girlfriends! And he doesn’t talk to either!
What a very sweet post, and you summed it up perfectly– even if you share things, it would never be the same wedding! xx