I’m not inviting my dad to the wedding. Let alone having him walk me down an aisle. He’s alive, well, and lives two miles away. But if he shows up uninvited, the ushers are also bouncers. He was by all appearances a good dad. He went to work five days a week, church on Sundays, and seemed perfectly normal. Unless you lived with him, and then it was no good at all.
When I was in college, circumstances changed and it seemed worth another chance. Which did not go all that well. So I changed a few more things and for some time we maintained the kind of Christmas and Thanksgiving relationship that sort of gets you out of being a complete orphan.
Two years ago DJ and I moved in together, and three months after that my dad failed again, this time with my little brother. He was eighteen at the time, so when my dad called to tell me that the kid was homeless, I was absolutely concerned. Crying in frustration and anger, concerned.
But really, this isn’t a story about my dad at all, or even my brother. It’s about DJ. He handed me a Red Stripe and asked what we could do. We. What we did was bring my brother to live with us, and for a year and a half DJ was as generous as he would have been with his own brother. Maybe more. More than anyone would have expected. It was enough to get my brother on his feet, with savings and a plan and (still) a key to our house. DJ has never once made anyone feel bad about this; it was just the thing to do and we did it.
My dad, by the way, has never admitted the utter crappiness of his actions. Or thanked either of us for pinch-hitting as parents, to the possible detriment of our relationship. (We were actually pretty good, and our relationship hasn’t seemed to suffer.) So my dad is out of chances. DJ is very diplomatic. If there are sides, he is always on mine. I know he thinks the current plan in the best one, but if I changed my mind he’d support that too.
That “for better or for worse” thing is no joke. Things can get worse and worse and worse, until you can’t remember when things were better. It’s really good to have someone to hand you a Red Stripe and get to work on a solution. It’s really good to be on the same team.
How has your other half shown you that you’re in it together, for better or worse?
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I think you made the right decision. It’s so nice to hear “real” relationship stories on wedding blogs. Sometimes it’s so easy to get wrapped up in projects and flowers and dresses, and you forget about making someone your life partner. You’re right, things can get worse and then even worse, but it’s nice to know that someone will be there with your throughout it all. You’re lucky!
Wow what an incredible story! I don’t blame you a bit for not inviting your dad to your wedding, I wouldn’t stand for that behavior either and would have absolutely done the same thing for my brother if I were in that position. That is so amazing that DJ was so good about the whole thing, you definitely have a keeper! :)
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You guys seem to be on the right track! Staying on the same page is the best way to move forward, in my opinion. My fiance and I have a sort of similar story, except that the trouble lies in his family. His parents are divorced and both remarried years ago, yet his mother still finds ways to actively and loudly “hate” his father. It’s gotten to the point where his sister has taken her mother’s side and no longer speaks to her father. So, when we let them know that we don’t want any discomfort and bad blood at our wedding, his mother and sister stopped talking to us for 8 months, then “tried” to reconnect…by calling my fiance to “warn” him about me…so he’d know “what he’s in store for.” Sigh.
We stuck together, let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and have emerged with an even stronger relationship than before.
Family issues can be so tough, and it’s really hard not to let it interfere with you life in general. Sometimes these issues seem to be heightened by an impending wedding.
Thank you thank you thank you for being so real and writing this post… this has inspired me to write my own post about the fact that my father is NOT walking me down the aisle… even though he is alive and I still (occasionally) talk to him!! There are so many opinions in the blog world (one of the reasons we love it!!), but sometimes the desire to have the ‘picture perfect’ wedding makes it hard to stand loud and proud behind your tough decisions!! My man is similarly supportive, and with that, there is strength in numbers!! Thanks again!!! Such a real post, and I will be linking back to it when I put up my post!!
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I have a similar situation but with my mother. She will not be at my wedding because of something she did to my sister.
Basically she choose to stand by her husband, our step-father, many years ago when my sister told her about the abuse he had subjected her to. Fast forward many years later, a trial, many years of estrangement (both my sister & I refused to have contact with them), and then a reconciliation out of necessity to see our young siblings who live with them, and then bang, last year my sister was getting married. Everything was fine and dandy and my mother was playing the typical mother of the bride role. But once she found out her husband wasn’t invited to the wedding, she refused to go to her own daughters wedding AND she wouldn’t allow our siblings to be a part of it either.
I will never forgive her for what she has done to all 3 of my siblings and I have been estranged from her for over a year now and she will not be coming to my wedding. My siblings are, as of now, in my wedding party but I will not know for sure if they will be there that day. I think that I won’t know until the actual wedding day.
But again, I thank you for sharing your story and showing that things are not always as perfect as everyone makes things out to be. It allows people with major family issues to feel not so alone and it shows that weddings can be perfect anyway when your surrounded by the ones you love and the ones who deserve to be there to share your joy.
Thanks for posting this. I recently found another wedding blogger who, like you and I, have some underlying issues that prevent us from having a 100% super happy family fun wedding planning process. It’s helping us to talk about such things, and to accentuate the positive.
I wish you and your fiance the best–he sounds like a wonderful, giving person.
Best Wishes!
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Thanks for posting your story! You seem to have a great relationship!
My boyfriend is also always on my side and he really is the rock in my life -and has been since the very beginning. We met when we moved in as roommates through a common friend. We were just friends for quite a while but then I hit some really hard times. My relationship fell apart and a few weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant. I made a very difficult decision to have an abortion and in my sorrow and heartbreak I turned to him more and more often. He turned out to be the most supportive and gentle person -a person with a heart of gold. Over time I realised that I was falling for him but it took almost year and a lot of healing until we became a couple.
It’s almost four year later and we are incredibly happy together, expecting our first child and planning our wedding. I know he’ll always be there for me -and I’ll be there for him too.
By the way, we want to walk down the aisle together, hand in hand. I’m not close to my father and while he will be in the wedding, I would feel like I’m in a theater play if we pretended to have some sort of close daughter-father relationship.
Just wanted to say you are not alone and I feel for you. Your father’s loss, not yours I promise. Treasure your future groom, he sounds like a keeper!