Confession.
July 12, 2009 · Posted in customs and traditions, life by shelley
Okay, fellow brides-to-be out there, I have a confession to make about my feelings toward the whole bachelor party thing. This isn’t easy to say, but I’m hoping some of you out might be able to identify with what I’m feeling, which is that I’m not 100% cool with it. In fact, thinking about the bachelor party makes me kind of nervous.
Of course, I want A to have a great time with his buddies before the wedding. Of course. And it has nothing to do with trust. Not a bit, I assure you.
But this past week, as A has been putting together his bachelor party plans, I found myself feeling anxious about the whole thing. Now, given that I’m prone to anxiety in general, this isn’t surprising. But what is surprising is the polar opposite difference between what I think and what I feel.
What I think is, bachelor parties are great ways for the groom to get away from the wedding stress and just have a really great evening or weekend away with his dearest friends. And I think I’d be sad if A didn’t get that experience. This is what my head thinks.
But my heart just knots itself up into a ball of nerves thinking, bachelor party… drinking… carelessness… danger… ah!
I think part of the problem is the expectations that society places around bachelor and bachelorette parties. I take offense at idea that these parties represent your last chance to GO WILD before being trapped for the rest of your life. To me, that works directly against the very foundation that I want my marriage to be based on: trust, love, openness.
In a sense, I think getting married sets you free. Here is this one huge area in life that you have figured out. You’ve made your promises to each other, you have your rock, your home base now, and from there you can go out and conquer the rest of the world.
Case in point on society’s bachelor/bachelorette expectations? The Hangover. First let me say, that was a fantastic, hilarious movie. I was roaring the whole time. I’m talking, rocking in my chair, tears squeezing out of my eyes, laughing my head off, roaring. It was easy to do because the movie was so over-the-top and exaggerated. But I do think it represents the expectation that your bachelor or bachelorette party has to be the craziest time of your life.
In fact, I’m feeling a little anxious about my bachelorette party too (but I totally trust that my friends will show me a great time).
The way A and I are approaching the bachelor/bachelorette parties is by thinking of them as opportunities to have a great time with our friends and blow off some steam before the wedding. Yes, there will be some carousing. But no one’s getting so wasted they wake up with a tiger in their bathroom (or so I hope).
Still, I’m recruiting my friends to keep me occupied while A’s out of town for the bachelor festivities. No matter how sane I sound in this post, I know that I’ll probably need a little distraction from my little knotted up heart.
Can anyone out there relate?
I debated responding yesterday, but decided not to do so. Since there are no other comments of people seconding you, maybe it’s okay to say it. I can’t relate at all.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact that my man and his friends would prefer something low key rather than bars and craziness. But if you associate your husband-to-be going out with his buddies and having a few beers with words so negative as “carelessness… danger,” then maybe there’s a deeper concern there. I know you say your head says that it’s all fine, but if that’s the association you have with him going out with them, is your gut trying to tell you something else about the way they behave? Are they truly reckless together when they have a few? If so, then there’s reason for your head to be concerned and not just your heart. If not, then I really don’t understand where it comes from at all. I can’t even fathom.
It might be a good idea to try and figure out where the feelings are coming from or if you truly feel they are somewhat irrational because one might presume that this will not be the last time he goes out with his friends without you. If it’s going to be a persistent problem of alarm bells because of their behavior, you might need to have a chat. If it’s not based on anything real, then you’ll have to figure out how to deal with it when he does eventually go out with them again.
However, if there’s no logical reason for you to feel this way and there’s not really anything in your gut sending off warning signals, then I actually have to laugh because it so reminds me of something a now married ex-boyfriend observed about his married friends. Even though he is incredibly laid back and the idea of a good time might be grabbing a movie or hitting a good brewery for just a beer and time to catch up, getting his friends to secure permission or approval from their wives after they were married was always a problem. It always became a problem as the wedding approached, and it never seemed to be based on much (i.e. not because of schedule conflicts). So, if his experience is in anyway related to what you’re feeling, I would say you are definitely far from alone. I just still don’t relate to it. :)
BitterB’s most recent blog post: Chocolate Hazelnut Strawberry Pizza
Hi BitterB - First off, thanks for the comment. I knew there’d be folks out there who strongly disagreed with me and that’s fine! And let me begin by saying that I wish I was like you. :)
To answer your question, no, he and his friends do not get overly reckless when they have a few beers together. They’re all great responsible guys and I love them all - especially my hubby to be. ;)
So since that’s the case, I don’t really know where this is all coming from either! Which is my trouble. BUT, I will say that I AM working on figuring this out because it is not the healthiest problem to have. I’ve been working on this intensively with a therapist for the past few months and, without getting too psychoanalytic on this otherwise lighthearted blog (:)), she believes that the part of me that gets nervous about this stuff is a very “young” part, that was formed in childhood. And while the majority of me, my grown up self, understands that everything will be okay, the young part sort of takes over at times like this (if that makes any sense?). She also says that this would probably happen regardless of who I was with (ie it’s a “me” thing, nothing to do with him.)
Frankly, several of my friends feel this same way on this topic and I thought by writing something honest and personal, I’d get more responses from others who struggle with this very same problem.
But I was also opening up the topic of society’s expectations for bachelor parties vs. what happens in reality and how that divide plays out for some of the brides on EAD.
shelley’s most recent blog post: Apparently, I’m a statistic.
I can’t really relate to what you’re feeling but it’s because my circumstances are completely different. How? Neither the FI or myself want a bachelor or bachelorette party (at least not the worlds view of a bachelor/bachelorette party). Neither of us are the party types and neither are our friends. My FI and his friends do not drink…that’s right, none of them do (neither do I or my friends)! Our idea of a bachelor/bachelorette party includes spending quality time with our friends sometime before the wedding (but not the night before). For me it will most likely consist of a lingerie party. And for him, video games, an airsoft game or a trip to the gun range.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your response back to BitterB. I think what scares you is what the world defines the bachelor party as. A wild night full of heavy drinking, half naked women and things that should never be done. Some people embrace parties like that before they tie the knot. More power to them…I guess. To each his own I suppose. Anyways, you know your man and his friends and you’ve said more than once that you trust him. So why be worried? Obviously deep down you’re still concerned that something will happen at his party. Try not to worry though. I think your worry comes from the worldly view/idea/happenings of a bachelor party. Since you know none of those things are going to happen with your man and his friends try to forget about those things. Forget about what happened in The Hangover, forget about horrible stories you’ve heard, etc. For none of those things are going to happen to you guys! :) I hope that all made sense, I was having a little trouble finding the words to say what I wanted. lol
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I can’t believe no one out there is coming forward to say they relate to you! I certainly relate to your feelings. As much as I love and trust my fiance and his friends I can’t help but worry about the bachelor party. As much as we’ve talked about the low key bachelor party that’s planned I still worry that after a few drinks one of my fiance’s friends will unveil a surprise plan, one I wouldn’t be okay with.
My fiance and I are both very liberal minded, we’re vegetarians, we’re feminists, he wants to be a stay-at-home parent one day while I’m a surgeon, we’re even BOTH hyphenating our last names. So, it really goes against everything he believes in to have a raunchy “last chance” outing, objectifying women and denigrating what marriage is supposed to be about. Still, I’m nervous and I think I’ll continue to be nervous until it’s over.
The bottom line is I deeply trust my fiance, he’s a very good man, and it sounds like that’s how you feel about your fiance. It would be horrible, yet unforeseeable, if the bachelor party turned into one of those events that all women should abhor. I can’t imagine the circumstances surrounding that outcome and have decided that I just have to trust that the party will go according to plan. I have to stop feeding my anxiety with “what ifs” and only worry and deal with a problem if it does arise.
I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone!
Becca! Thank you so much for your comment. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Me and you are completely on the same page.
I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten more response to this post. I thought lots of women had worries about bachelor parties, even if they totally trust their fiances! But maybe that’s hard to admit?
shelley’s most recent blog post: Wedding update.
Hi, When I read your post I totally related, I was absolutely paraniod about my husbands bachelor party so much so that I didn’t want him to have one.
I trust him one hundred percent but I dont trust his friends as far as I could throw them and they certainally didn’t instill a sense of trust when the most recent bachelor party turned into a disaster.
The bride called me nearly in tears after her FI told her what went on when the stripper showed up. Not getting into exact details but lets just say that the props involved with the groom and stripper were not part of their plan!
I feel that if you are uncomfortable with the whole thing you should just say so. I did, and we came up with a solution that suited us both and had a really good time. We had a combined bachelor and bachelorette party, we invited all our friends and family and had a party in a friends back yard. It was a fantastic night the weekend before the wedding so there was plenty of time for my husbands hangover to wear off, but let me just say this- even with our party organised by the groomsmen and bridesmaids his irresponsible mates still tried to hijack it on the night and all through the planning, It just showed me that to some blokes a bucks night needs to be everything that I hate!
