Choosing a Bridal Party - Help!
August 11, 2009 · Posted in the planning process by juel
I need some advice…
Thank you weddingchannel.com for reminding me that I have yet to select my attendants. Sigh. As I look through all the idyllic shots of bridal parties in their matching-mismatched gowns, I imagine that all the ladies in the photo have been best friends since they were 5. That there was never a doubt in any of their minds from the time they made a pact to be best friends forever, they knew they’d be there at each others’ 21st birthday parties, weddings, and then again at their kids’ first day of school, and to this day still have cosmos every Thursday night together.
{ photo by Todd Pellowe }
Ok, so maybe not. I realize that rarely is this the case, but still, doesn’t it seem like that sometimes?
Well, I don’t have any friends like that. I don’t really keep in touch with the friends I had when I was a kid anymore (except for one who now lives in Spain), and I wasn’t really close with anyone in college. The close friends that I do have were mostly made during my summers in college when I performed with a drum corps (yes, I’m a band nerd). Unfortunately, this group is made up of people from all around the world so of course no one lives near each other. There goes our cosmo night every Thursday.
{ photo by SugarLove Weddings via Polka Dot Bride }
There’s the family member option, but I only have one cousin who will be 7 (who will most likely be our flower girl) and I have a half-sister who I am definitely asking to be a bridesmaid, but she lives halfway across the country too.
So, I had convinced myself that it was ok to have bridesmaids that were not local because as long as there here standing beside me on my wedding day right? Yes, they most likely won’t be able to make the shower but…is that ok? But still, who the heck do I ask to be my maid of honor? This post on Junebug Weddings freaked me out:
- Your maid of honor will help you pick out your wedding dress and the look for the whole bridal party. She’ll help coordinate fittings, and help ensure everyone in the wedding party arrives at your wedding with all the items they should have with them.
- She will throw you a bridal shower and bachelorette party, buy her bridesmaid’s dress and give you a wedding gift. A Maid of Honor’s expenses can really add up, so keep her resources in mind and be aware if you are expecting her to reach outside her financial comfort zone. Consider contributing funds yourself if the items or events that are important to you come with a big price tag.
- She will tactfully let people know where you’re registered for bridal shower and wedding gifts.
- She’ll be the go-to gal for all kinds of information when you’re not available- where the rehearsal dinner is, what time to arrive at the ceremony, where to get parking validated, and who’s responsible for which delegated duties. Be sure you let her know any important information that you think people may be asking her.
- On the big day she’ll help you get dressed and ready, walk down the aisle in front of you, straighten your veil after you arrive at the altar, hold your flowers and his ring during the ceremony, sign your marriage license, bustle your dress before your reception, and run interference- acting as backup hostess when appropriate so you can stay calm and relaxed throughout your day.
{ from Junebug Weddings }
That certainly sounds like the MOH should be local, right? Well, I live in Pennsylvania and my bridesmaid options live in: South Dakota, Spain, Philly (but won’t be around the days leading up to the wedding…and might not even be able to make the wedding), and Florida. Sigh.
{ photo via Snippet & Ink }
THEN, I have another friend who lives in the area, is super-organized, fun, as type-a as I am, is great friends with Mr. too, and is probably the friend I talk to the most. Sounds like the perfect candidate, right? Only…he’s a guy and he’s starting Law school this fall. Can I have a guy as my maid of honor? No really, truly imagine having a guy (granted, he’s not the manliest of men…if you catch my drift) as your MOH…bustling your dress, holding your bouquet…is that weird? Ugh. I just don’t know what to do. Even then, will he be too busy with law school?
What did you do? Did you have a similar situation? Please help :(
Yes, a guy can be your MOH! You might have to alter the duties to fit him but if he’s a close friend, go for it!
Ask those you love to stand up there with you on your wedding day. Other friends can help with dress shopping, help putting together favors etc. A friend of mine took her hubby to be dress shopping. I took an entourage of my most honest girlfriends. Don’t feel like you need to conform to a list. Do what’s right for you.
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I understand completely! I live 1000 miles away from my MOH and would not ever change the fact that in a month she will be the one standing by my side. I debated between my best friend and a cousin… both are near and dear to me… my BF lives far away and my cousin lives close… but then it came down to the day of, not the time leading up to it. On that day I know my BF will be honored to be my MOH and she will help me stay calm and collected. And as for all of the “obligations”–I bought her dress, I will probably find a family member’s house for her to stay at, and I will not regret any bit of that… she can’t be at showers and she can’t plan a bachelorrette, but she can stand by my side supporting me as she always has and that’s how I want it.
Choose who you want, don’t let all the rules get in your way.
My sister is going to be my MOH, and she, like Cortney’s MOH, won’t really be around for any of the official duties. She’s been living in our hometown for the first half of the planning, and will be in Austin for the second half. There is no one else that I could choose, though. There is no way anyone besides my sister needs to be my MOH.
That being said - I think it also comes down to how much you want your MOH to do. I knew that Macey probably wouldn’t be super involved in the planning, but I’m not planning a giant, grand affair that takes a ton of planning. If you want your MOH to do more, than he/she needs to be around. If they are doing less, then it could easily be one of your girlfriends from out of town.
Also - I don’t think having a guy MOH would be a huge deal. If he’s the man for the job and the one you want standing beside you as you marry your husband, then pick him!
Megan’s most recent blog post: Beautiful, Beautiful Bride
Seriously, it’s the 21st century. I think we can get over the gender and sexuality stereotypes now. Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to have a man stand with you. I fully expect a special friend from my life to be by my side, and it makes not one difference to me that he’s a man and one you would likely consider to be “not the manliest of men.”
As for duties, that is a far concern for your friend if he’s starting law school and you expect him to help out with everything on the list. However, regardless of who stands with you, if you expect them to do all of those things, you need to be upfront with them before you ask for a commitment. I realize that there are a million websites that tell you what “traditions” the Maid/Matron/Man of Honor is supposed to do, but as a person’s friend, most people would expect you ask them only to do what they are capable of doing. There’s no reason in the world you must follow a random website’s list of duties in your ceremony.
I can’t name a single married friend of mine who followed such rules, mostly because they all realized that each situation is personal. They chose their wedding party based on relationships - both familial and friendships. They didn’t base it on who would be willing to throw them a shower or help them put on a dress. Based on the success of their weddings, I would suggest that you choose based on quality of relationship rather than gender, sexuality, or willingness to run errands for you. You’ll probably have a much happier day.
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BitterB said it all for me. We’re only having family up there, and I have asked my two sisters to stand up there with me, but I definitely don’t expect them to do all the things on the list you’ve posted. I say go for what works best for you and your wedding.
If he’s a close friend, ask him! It shouldn’t make a difference if the person is male or female, the two of you are still good friends. Good luck on your decision!
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I live in Washington DC. My MOH lives in New Orleans. And my three BMs live in London, Geneva and Kansas City. I haven’t had any problems with the situation. Dress shopping is fun and other friends will want to go with you, or you can do it yourself! For me, it was just important to recognize that these are my best friends and have them with me on the big day.
i’m with the rest of the modern world on this one (as much as i heart tradition)
my bridal party is simply 2 MOHs and that’s it. they’re the two closest people to me (besides the man i’ll be standing next to : )
they both live 500 miles away from me and honestly i don’t expect anything more out of them than hanging out with me that morning, holding my bouquet, and bustling my dress. that’s it. i didn’t even expect them to throw me a shower, yet they did.
the notion that MOHs are like a Bride’s Assistant is fairly antiquated at this point. i just believe it should be someone who is closest to you… whether that be a girlfriend, guy friend, parent or whomever.
MOH can most definitely be Male. As a matter of fact I have read about that happening quite a bit on the blogosphere.
My favourite part of this whole wedding idea was this: your wedding is a celebration of your love with the people that you love. Key word: celebration. Also means; party, gathering. Holding on to that concept for dear life can keep reminding you that these little “rules” or “traditions” that the Wedding Industry/Societal Pressures feeds you are superficial rules. Not important.
The important part is your celebration. My mom is helping me pick out my dress, because she is the perfect one. Whatever my MOH would like to do to help will be fantastic (she’s a province over), but really I’m just happy to have her there with me sharing the moment :)
delegating can occur with people nearby, who made Junebug the Queen of creating wedding rules? :) whenever I hear a “tradition” that I “HAVE” to do, my answer is usually “why?” followed by “says who?”
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Pick the person who means the very most to you and call it a day. I have one MOH who lives over 1000 miles away. I was hurt that there was no shower and there probably won’t be a bachelorette party. However, after much deliberation and talking to my MOH, I have realized that it’s her presence I need to support me on my wedding day and throughout my life that means more to me than any luncheon or cocktail party I can imagine.
Good luck with your decision!
The Thirty-Something Bride’s most recent blog post: I’ve Fallen into the Internet and I Can’t Get Out!
my bridal party (MOH included) were almost all out of town. my MOH did give me a gift and plan a bachelorette party, but mostly I just did everything. If I needed her help I would’ve told her… don’t get caught up on what websites say your MOH needs to do or whatever… Mine got there right before the RD and left after the wedding… so, they were really only there for the wedding day. I did not care one bit - although I wish I could’ve hung out with them longer.
Brittney’s most recent blog post: Show us Your Life: Wedding Reception and Honeymoon
The other alternative is not to have any attendents. Its not mandatory. All you need to do is have witnesses to sign the register and they can be anyone you like. We have chosen not to have any attendents, for many of the same reasons you’re having problems choosing them. The choice has made life much simpler. Maybe the fact that I’m a 40ish bride helps too!
Wow! What synchronicity! I was just discussing this very issue with my fiance, and came back to my computer to find this on my blog reader… Like you, most of our closest friends/ relatives live far away (Chicago, DC, NYC, Richmond, when we’re in Berkeley). But ultimately, we decided that it’s more important to have the people that we’re closest to involved in the ceremony. We’re asking them all to be readers/ ushers/ musicians, as appropriate, but not designating specific MOH/ best man titles…. if anyone has an amusing collective name for a wedding entourage, I’d love to hear it, as we’re rather at a loss for what to call these folks. Anyway, I agree with the others: involve those closest to you in the wedding. You can still ask local friends to take on other roles, including throwing you a bridal shower/ bachelorette party if you want.
One Barefoot Bride’s most recent blog post: Wedding trend: camping out
I wouldn’t worry about having a guy be your MOH! If he fits the bill and is willing to do it, why not?
What drum corps were in, btw?
I live in WI and my bridal party? I have two girl maid of honors (in New Zealand and in Nebraska), a bridesmaid (in CA) and my brother will be a brides..man? (he’s in Nebraska). The way I see it is, who cares what a maid of honor is supposed to do. You make your own rules. What you need help with get the best person to help you with. My mom helped me pick my dress, not my girls. I’m a little type-a and don’t like the thought of handing over alot of these responsibilities to my friends. In fact, I feel relieved that I can plan things myown way with input only when I ask for it. As for having a guy? If he fits YOUR criteria, then why on earth not have him as the MOH? I wish you the best!
I say leave those stereotypes, what you should and shouldn’t do, customs and traditions at the door. Who do you want standing next to you when you say ‘I do’? I adore Junebug weddings but I do think the above list of duties is more characteristic of what a ‘planner’ would do. Having been a bridesmaid 8 times, I have to say, I had the most fun being a BM/MOH when the bride said straight up, I want you to stand beside me on my wedding day. I had the least fun when I knew the bride was asking me to be MOH b/c she knew I could do the ‘list’ of duties. Good luck with your decision!
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Wow - Junebug seems to be describing a PA there!
I say do whatever works for you and those you love. Those responsibilities listed can be taken on by whoever is best for the job and if that is one super-duper person or a mixture between your best guy pal, a wedding planner, your far away girlfriends, your Mom or your fiancé’s aunt’s neighbour (or whatever) then go for it.
The important thing is that you and those are around you enjoy their involvement in your special day. You can even make up job titles for them if “maid” of honour doesn’t fit!
I’m in the same boat - I don’t have many female friends and most of them are more acquaintances than best friends. I’m only having a MOH and I don’t even keep in touch with her that much. I live in FL and am originally from MI where the wedding will be held. Up until a few weeks ago, my MOH still lived in MI but has since moved to Cali… so definitely not local in any way. I probably won’t even see her in person again until the wedding weekend - and that’s okay by me, but I have also been receiving comments from other friends/family that think it’s weird/wrong that not only am I not having bridesmaids, but that my MOH is so far away.
Honestly, everyone I had in my wedding is far away and I kind of regret it. I don’t think your MOH needs to be close by…. but maybe have 1 friend close by be in your wedding. And most importantly, make sure its someone that you can count on!
If you want a guy in your bridal party, then go for it. If you want your friend in Spain to stand next to you, then ask her. It’s all completely up to you. Some people (usually older people) might find it a little strange that you have a guy standing on your side, but if that guy is important to you and your fiance, then that should be a good enough reason for him to be up there with you.
That list of Maid of Honor duties is hysterical to me. It sounds like your MOH is supposed to be your wedding planner/coordinator/personal assistant. And mine isn’t doing any of that, unless she really wants to. 2 good friends of mine that are not in the bridal party are planning my bachelorette party. Family friends are hosting a shower for me, and my fiance’s aunt is hosting a couple’s shower, too.
Basically, I think you can do whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy and keeps you sane. =)
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The time leading up isn’t a big deal, you just have to do a bit more yourself, I think it’s who’s standing with you the day of that matters. Maybe I’m biased because none of my maids live in my city, but that’s what blogs, e-mails and phones are for. And I say go for it if your guy friend is up for it. The people most important to you should be the ones you share this time with.
Thanks everyone so much for your help. I feel much more settled that I haven’t chosen a party yet. So yeah, IN YOUR FACE weddingchannel.com :) I’m still unsure about who I will ask, but I know that I will wait until at least the winter to make the decision. I also feel less pressure to find someone to perform those duties that I listed above. I’m way too type-A to delegate that much anyway and I know there are other people that I’m not considering for the bridal party who will want to get involved with planning and such.
Thanks again everyone!! I have regained a bit of my sanity…for now :)
juel’s most recent blog post: Wedding Dreams
I would say ABSOLUTELY pick the guy as your MOH …. except that he is going to be a 1L (1st year law student). That is the craziest year of school and he won’t have as much time to help you do things or be your sounding board (trust me I’ve done it). He’ll be thinking about torts, contracts, and blackacre. I would definitely make him a special part in your wedding but something that doesn’t require too much work ahead of time (such as a reader).
