Invitation Dilemma
The lovely lady who is designing our wedding invitations emailed me today to start the design process for the invitation suite. The primary thing she needs to start is the wording, which I initially thought “no problem, I’ll just google ‘invitation wording’ and copy, paste” – boy was I wrong. First of all, there are SO MANY options out there: casual, formal, church ceremony, dry reception, etc. Thankfully, I knew exactly what I wanted it to “feel” like, so making choices there wasn’t a struggle. However, I hadn’t thought at all about the fact that my mom didn’t take my dad’s last name when they got married. She’s not a raging feminist, she just liked her name and so she kept it (and she doesn’t care at all that I am changing my name when I get married).
To be honest, this is the first time in my life that this has ever really presented a problem for me. Sure, other people might have been confused, but I always knew my parents were happily married, despite the fact that they didn’t have the same last name, so I never cared what other people thought. For some reason, now I care. Do I write:
“Ms. Mom Sassy and Dr. Daddy Cool
request the pleasure of your company…”
or
“Dr. Daddy Cool and Ms. Mom Sassy
request the pleasure of your company…”
or
“Ms. Mom Sassy and
Dr. Daddy Cool
request the pleasure of your company…”
or
“Dr. Daddy Cool and
Ms. Mom Sassy
request the pleasure of your company…”
What are the implications of all of these options above? I’m pretty sure that separate lines means divorced, but I’m not sure. And I think in a couple with differing last names the woman is supposed to go first, but, again, not sure…
Adding to my invitation dilemma is the fact that I have my mom’s last name as my middle name. Typically (I think) the names are listed with the bride’s first and middle names and the groom’s full name, like this:
“Ms. Mom Sassy and Dr. Daddy Cool
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie Sassy
to
Brian Witty Cutie”
However, if I follow tradition, I’m worried people will think my parents are divorced and that I have my mom’s name, especially if I follow the “woman comes first” as far as their names go! And furthermore, if people think that this is the case, maybe they’ll think that my mom paid for the whole thing (doesn’t coming first sometimes mean that?) and that would most certainly not do…
I could do just Natalie…
“Ms. Mom Sassy and Dr. Daddy Cool
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie
to
Brian Witty Cutie”
But that seems too short, especially if Brian’s whole name is there… So, what about my whole name:
“Ms. Mom Sassy and Dr. Daddy Cool
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Natalie Sassy Cool
to
Brian Witty Cutie”
Too long? Slapping tradition in the face? Totally tacky? Just right? I have NO IDEA! Help!!
I want people to get the invitation and just think “Natalie and Brian are getting married! Yea!” not spend twenty minutes trying to figure out what in the heck is going on with my family… you know?
Any words of wisdom out there?
I thought doctor trumped everyone else and was supposed to always be first but I could be totally off base on that one. I have a co-worker I’d like to invite whose wife is a doctor and has kept her last name. I don’t know her well so it seems really weird to me to have to put her first on the invite but I have a long time to worry about that.
If it were me in your situation I’d have dad and mom on the same line and use my full name to avoid confusion. I don’t think its tacky but I’m not sure if its a total etiquette no-no or not honestly.
I understand you dilemma all too well– my question was how do I make it known that my parent’s are hosting, it’s a nice event, but not super formal… ugh, too much– they’re just words, right?
Anyways, I found these invites on Paper Source and LOVED them… plus the wording was PERFECT! Maybe they can be of help to you. We chose to do first and middle name, but I really like the look of just first names on them–that could fix the little problem, check them out and see what you think
http://www.paper-source.com/cgi-bin/paper/personalize/W29/step1.html
If you are worried about being tacky, you are far from it. Tacky people don’t worry about being tacky; they just are. I don’t think anyone is going to examine the invitation, but I think the last option (with your full name) is a great option. There are so many contradicting rules with wording, but you will find what works best for you. If I were you, I’d probably list Dad first and Mom second (on the same line) and use full names for both you and your fiance.
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p.s. I would also have mom and dad on the same line with dad’s name first— of your choices above
Just use your mom’s first name and your father’s last name for this one thing. It would be the same if you were address an invitation. It’s normally Mr. John and Rita Snow or whatever if they’re married. If your mom isn’t a femi she should care too much.
I think it’s Doctor Daddy Cool and Mrs. Mom Sassy all on one line (I agree that the doctor goes first). Then I would use your full name because with your parents having different last names, your last name isn’t intuitive. Good luck!
I totally understand. I had similar problems…just a little different. My parents are divorced, but on very good terms. My mom hyphenated her name and since they were married 25 years, she wasn’t about to change that back! However, I just didn’t know what to do. Since they were divorced I was “supposed” have their names on separate lines with no “and” in between. But that look so so cold- which is not how my parents are at all. But the same line, with my mom’s last name still having part of my dads- wouldn’t that confuse people. What if some people thought they were still married?! Ack! In the end, I totally bucked tradition and I put them on the SAME LINE with an AND in between. Why? I asked them what they wanted and their response was this- screw etiquette, we are both your parents and we are both giving you away today TOGETHER (plus it just looks nicer and more balanced on the invite :) ). They are great. They basically said that only I was going to stare at this invite and wonder if it would confuse people, etc, etc. My point? There are all kinds of ways to do these things. Do what feels right to you. Have your invite lady do a couple different mock-ups and then choose.
Ditto the commenters above who say, parents on same line, use your whole name. I think it looks more balanced to have it that way, with you and you FI both having all three names on there. Good luck!
I think the biggest (incorrect) hint that would present your mother as unmarried is referring to her as Ms. instead of Mrs. Unless there’s some etiquette rule out there I don’t know about that says your should use Ms. even though she’s married to your father. But even if there is, that would read to me as a single woman as opposed to a married woman.
Beyond that, it’s completely up to you. Personally, I would solve the problem by not sending out invitations to people who don’t know me well enough to know my parents are together and would make assumptions based on the presence of my middle name. But that’s just a very personal solution.
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My parents are my mom and stepdad who paid for the whole thing. Although my mom kept her maiden name legally and my maiden name was the same as hers, we addressed the invite as…
“Mr. and Mrs. Stepdad Name Here, III
invite you to the wedding of their daughter
My Full Name
and
Mr. Husband Name Here”
So basically everyone got the picture. Plus everyone that was invited either knew the situation, knows my parents or AT LEAST knew my name or my hubs.
Good Luck!
Oh sorry I forgot to mention this part…
My mom’s legal name is her maiden name but for social situations/non legal things and my stepgrandma’s benefit, she is totally fine using my stepdad’s name.
Basically the only reason she didn’t change it legally was a. for professional recognition reasons and b. so that I would have the same name as my mom and wouldn’t be family-less.
Maybe your mom would feel the same way??
To avoid the fact that my parents are divorced, we’re doing ‘together with their parents, bride and groom invite you’
Thank you all SO MUCH for your thoughtful comments – you have been so helpful. It’s nice to hear so much support and thoughtful advice… what did I ever do without all you lovely EAD peeps?! I will keep you posted on what we decide to do!
Sorry, late to the discussion…was honeymooning :). I would put your parents names on the same line and use your full name. I used my full name on our invitations and it worked fine.
As far as the Dr./Ms./Mrs. issues…technical rules (to follow or not, as you deem fit) would have the person with the title of Dr. first. Also, you’re not supposed to use Mrs. with a maiden name. So to follow all those rules you could use either Dr. Cool and Ms. Sassy, or Dr. and Mrs. Cool. But very few people know or care about the technical rules, so if you want to do something else, just do it. I would ask your mom before deeming her Mrs. Cool though just in case she would care about that since it’s not technically her name.
