Category — the planning process

If you’ve ever stopped by Once Wed before you probably noticed I am a HUGE fan of the fabulous wedding photographer, Leigh Miller. I always jump at a chance to post one of her weddings, so when I came across Erin and Michael’s gorgeous wedding I was delighted Leigh agreed to a feature on EAD.

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Hello readers!

We are incredibly excited to announce our new project, The EAD Library. After months of development and research, we are launching a new resource for brides. The Library is filled with hundreds of useful links, from photographers to shops to stationers. Our goal is a simple comprehensive list that will help every bride, no matter her location, find the vendors and inspiration she needs for a beautiful event. In addition, we’ll be interviewing recent brides for reviews on the site.

Without further delay, please feel free to browse our Library! There’s a contact form for you to use to suggest new links, ask any questions you may have, submit bride reviews, or just to say hello. We are so excited to hear your feedback and thank you so much for your readership and support - we couldn’t do this without you!

Love,

Rebekah Anne and Ami Elizabeth

We hope you have enjoyed our Etiquette 101 series.  You all had some great questions and hopefully we shed some light onto your most baffling issues. 

To revisit our guest list Q&A, click {here}, {here}, {here}, or {here}. For some amazing advice on gratuities, check out Liene’s guest posts {here} and {here}.  Your burning questions on alcohol are answered {here}.  Flash photography during the ceremony is addressed {here}.  And finally we have the gift dilemmas {here}, {here}, {here} and {here}.

Thanks for sending in all of your questions and we are always here to help if anything arises in the future!

A. and E.

Aylee commented with concerns over how to handle out of state/country family members.

I don’t have a lot of relatives here in the US, but I can’t invite all of them due to budget constraints.  I decided to invite only those that are very close to me. However, a lot of them (that I don’t plan to invite) have invited themselves. They’ve been waiting and asking when I’m getting married for a while. What is a good way to handle this?

If you are having a large wedding, and just don’t want them there: Telling family that they aren’t invited because of budget (especially if you are inviting a lot of friends) is hurtful.  I would invite them and cut out friends.  Trust me, I know of to many brides who have concentrated on friends rather than family.  The brides no longer speak to the friends and have had to work to repair the relationship with their families.

I’m assuming, however, that you are having an intimate wedding with only immediate family and close friends attending. My advice would be to tell them kindly that you are restricted because of budget and can’t afford to have a big wedding.  Be up front with them, or else this will turn into a big problem.  Honesty is very important in this type of situation.  Your parents should also help you explain the situation and try to minimize the drama.

I would also consider a casual party to celebrate your new marriage.  Give those who love you the chance to spend time with you and your new husband.  It doesn’t need to be extravagant, and they will greatly appreciate being included.

A.

We received the following email from reader Jessica:

Could you please address the issue of tipping…specifically, who to tip and how much? I’m having my reception at a restaurant, and in the contract, the quoted price includes gratuity. Should I still hand out cash to each of the servers and bartenders at the end of the night…that seems awkward, but I don’t want to make anyone feel badly. I know I should tip a DJ, but what about the photographers? They’ll have dinner at the same time as we do, and I assume that I should not tip them. Anyone I’m leaving out? After everyone works so hard on our wedding, the last thing I want to do is to not take care of them properly. Your help is much appreciated.

Jessica, this is such a great question!  So much so that we asked Liene from the fabulous Blue Orchid Designs blog to address it in her week of guest posts a few months ago.

In this post, Liene discusses the etiquette surrounding gratuities.  And here, she lets us all know which vendors to tip and what the expected gratuity amounts should be.  The comments section in both post also asks and answers a lot of other burning questions, such as whether or not to provide meals to your vendors, tipping self-employed vendors, and where exactly that “service charge” on your quote goes!

Hope this helps!
E.

One of our fellow bloggers, Chitown Bride, wrote to ask about thank you card etiquette. She asks,

How long do you have to write your thank you cards after the wedding? My mother told me six weeks after the wedding, so I followed that rule. But it is funny, I have heard so many variations - six weeks after the honeymoon, six months after the wedding or even a year after the wedding (I think that person was actually confusing that rule with you have a year to give a gift after a wedding). Can you clear this one up for folks?

Ah, thank you cards. This simple task turns into something so dreaded and mind numbing. How do you thank someone creatively for the third crockpot without telling them you returned it for the duvet cover you really wanted? The answer? S-l-o-w-l-y. According to Emily Post you have three months after receiving the gift, so space the writing out over a few weeks. Take a few cards to work and write when you have a few spare minutes. Tuck them in a ziploc in your purse and write a couple while you are waiting. Like all big projects, if you spread out the work over time it won’t seem as intimidating!

If you forget to write within that deadline, don’t give up! Write when you can. Even if the card is late, you are still acknowledging the gift they gave.

A.

Jenna asks:

I’ll be living in Washington for two months before the wedding, but FI and I will be living in Dallas for the next few years. I know that all of these ladies want to give me fun gifts to open at the bridal shower and the wedding, but really, they are an incredible burden to ship. We are registering online, but I know that many women want to physically see my face when I open it. Can I just tell him I will videotape myself opening every present in Dallas and send them a copy of the video How can I encourage guests to ship them to me and ease any financial burden they might be causing by making us figure out how to get it done?

Hey there Jenna!  For the shower, unfortunately, the whole point is to see you open fun things!  So you’re not going to get around having bags of awesome presents to take home.  :)  The best thing that I can recommend to you is to have a “themed” shower - perhaps a linen shower, or a lingerie shower, or some other theme that will guarantee you some small gifts that you can pack into your suitcase for the trip home.   

For the wedding, you can absolutely use word of mouth to let your guests know that you would rather have your items shipped.  In the internet age, this is becoming more and more common, so that works to your advantage.  Make sure that the address on file with your registries is your preferred shipping address.  Also, if you expect bricks-and-mortar purchases, ask each store if they are able to ship to you from point of purchase, rather than making the guests head to the post office.  They may be able to note your account so that the sales people or the registry print-out shows the preferred shipping address.

Hope this helps!
E.

Becky commented with a gift dilemma.  She says,

My FI and I have decided not to register and we’re not asking for cash gifts either. I know the questions will come flying in as soon as the invitations are received. I know most anyone who calls is not going to accept ‘no gifts’ as a satisfactory answer. If they push for a suggestion it’d be cash or gift card but I know I’d feel really uneasy making those suggestions. Any advice on how I can make these suggestions not so rough around the edges.

The simple fact is the most guests want to give you something to celebrate.  You can’t refuse a gift, but you can gently guide a guest into choices that are best for you.  The best way is to register for something, anything, everything. There are now many choices outside of the typical department store registry; from a honeymoon, to charity or general gift cards, the choices are now unlimited. If you truly want for nothing and would like to pass on the love from your guests, I highly recommend registering at your favorite charity.  People want to give!  Why not pass it on?

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Hilary asks:

My question is about alcohol at the reception. We plan on serving four seasonal signature drinks at our wedding. Our wedding is around Christmas, so we wanted to serve more classic, vintage style punches and champagne cocktails. Our ideas include pomegranate sangria, peach bellinis, hot rum punch, and cranberry champagne cocktail). My father insists we serve beer, and claims that it is “rude” not to serve it. Is beer expected or will our signature drinks suffice?

Hilary, your signature drinks sound absolutely wonderful!  Can we come to your wedding?  :)  To answer your question, it is never in bad taste to serve any combination of alcohol.  You’re free to not have a full bar, to have only signature drinks, to serve only beer and wine, or even not to serve alcohol at all!  A compromise for your father might be substituting one beer option for one of your signature drinks.

In fact, the only etiquette that applies to alcohol is the cash bar issue (which I know you did not ask about but we’ll address here).  Cash bars are absolutely a no-no.  You would never ask a guest to pay for a glass of wine in your own home - weddings are no different.  If budget is an issue, serving a limited bar or using Hilary’s signature drink strategy is a great way to mitigate costs.

Also, a tip for all of you when venue- and caterer-hunting.  One of the best questions you can ask during your meeting is whether or not you are allowed to bring in your own alcohol.  Many vendors now allow this and it’s such a cost-saver!  Not only can you purchase the alcohol from your local beverage store, but many alcohol retailers will also allow you to return unopened bottles (ask before buying).

Hilary, I hope this helps!

E.

Nicole asks:

We are having a small wedding of only 50 people for close family and friends, however, contemplating having an engagement party - is it rude to invite people to the engagement party that will not be invited to the wedding?

Hi Nicole!  I have a compromise for you.  While it’s not appropriate to invite individuals to any parties prior to the wedding if they aren’t going to be a part of the Big Day, it would be in perfectly good taste to have a party after the wedding to celebrate with all of your friends and family!  After-parties are generally done for destination weddings, but also apply in your situation.  They are generally less formal events thrown by the newly married couple and, like engagement parties, are gift-optional.

I hope that helps!

E.