To Have or Not to Have (Children)
June 12, 2009 · Posted in children, rebekah by rebekah
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I’m turning 30 in October. My husband found my first gray hair yesterday. And my biological clock is ticking away. Every time I see a cute baby, my ovaries twist. Seriously. I can actually feel my uterus trying to reach out and GRAB THAT CHILD.
But I can’t quite get past the fact that we don’t want children. Not now. Not for at least five years. I can’t quite say never because I genuinely love children of all ages. Most women who decide NOT to have children are deemed abnormal, selfish, unfeminine, etc. Or at least that’s how it seems in the traditional deep Southern states. Women usually go to college, grab a husband and start having babies as soon as possible. I say this without judgment as the women I know who have done this are happy.
I just don’t know if I should have children. Aren’t there babies I can find in an orphanage to make my own? Babies who have been abandoned out of choice or because of lack of resources.
I also find the thought of me being pregnant disturbing. Not pregnancy in general, just me being pregnant. Did I make that clear? I hate going to the gyno now. The idea of actually giving birth seems unnatural and this article from Dooce is not helping.
I’m also really afraid of something going wrong, even though my mom had eight pregnancies and only one of them ended in miscarriage.
Yes, I have six siblings and two sisters by marriage. All but me and my youngest brother have reproduced. I have lots of nephews and nieces of all ages (from 18 years to five months). And I love them desperately. Each one of them is amazing to me. They drive me crazy and make me laugh at the same time. So I can say without one doubt that if I never had children, I would feel fulfilled in that way because of them. I also want to contribute financially to their lives, and I can’t do that if I have children.
I recently read this book, and it helped us make the decision in a logical way. We determined that adoption in five years is our first goal. It may happen sooner than that, we may end up never adopting. But we don’t feel the need to reproduce genetically when so many children are out there waiting for homes. That’s not to say that if I accidentally got pregnant it would be the end of the world. We would be happy, it’s just not part of our plan.
What have you and your spouse decided?
We struggle financially now, we don’t want to raise a child in debt.
My hubby is turning 40 next year so he thinks he’s getting too old to have kids. I have no biological clock. We’ve decided not have kids. Maybe we are selfish, but it feels like the right decision for us.
Sometimes I think about how much easier and more care-free life would be without children. But, I also know that my husband just feels like it is the “right” thing to do, and I am happy to go along…. with one child. Just one. We are both only children, so neither of us would have any idea what to do about sibling disputes.
We will always have debt (husband has over $225,000 in debt from only educational loans from medical school), and neither of us are willing to give up our careers. But, somehow, it always works out — my MIL was a single mother and raised my husband on her own, working multiple jobs, when my husband’s father died when he was very young.
But on a frivolous note, you have no idea how lucky you are to have just found your FIRST grey hair! I’m only 25, and my husband recently pointed out that I have so many (and I do, I’ve had some since birth, but started getting more and more by age 20) that the time has come for me to dye my hair for the first time. :(
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funny about the gray hair. i wonder if i’ll even know if i start going gray. i’ve been coloring my hair since 10th grade and don’t intend to stop unless and until it ends up being a pretty gray.
so, about the kids thing - we still haven’t figured it out. we’ve kind of agreed that we ought to decide within the next 2 years since i’m also 30… and we’re leaning towards yes - but that’s just this month! i don’t think we’ll be heartbroken if we end up being childless. there are so many things about this world to enjoy! and being selfish is so fun - doing whatever we want whenever we want. then again, i think it would be fun to share the world with a mini-me+dh… ack! yeah, so, we dunno.
Your post completely read my mind. So many of my friends are having children and I struggle with the fact that quite frankly….I don’t think I want children. And if I DO want children, I definitely want to adopt, not for vanity reasons, just because I just find a stronger connection with the idea. That being said, I am not even CONSIDERING the idea of children until I am 35. I have a lot to do career wise and I want to make sure I’m READY both financially and mentally to have children, so I never regret anything about my life.
Melissa’s most recent blog post: Ying and Yang
PS I have two puppies too!
Melissa’s most recent blog post: Ying and Yang
I’m addressing only a sliver of what your post covered - the selfish factor. I do not in any way think that people who choose not to have children are, by making this choice, more or less selfish than those who choose otherwise. As I’ve grown older, it’s interesting to notice that a person’s selfishness or selflessness seems to be more greatly highlighted if a person does not have children. How so? Some of the most genuinely generous, sweet, wonderful people I know do not have children themselves, and are able to go above and beyond what the average person w/ kids do, because they give so much of what w/b diverted to their own children/family, to others. Then, I see some of the most selfish people, who are allowed to be so, to extreme degrees, because they do not have children.
I don’t know if this applies, but for some reason as I was reading your post, the book “Having Our Say” by the Delaney sisters came to mind. They were two old black women (both lived to over 100 years of age) who led interesting, full lives, and neither one married or had children. You might want to give it a read if you have time, it’s a great story.
Great post! we both definitely want kids but I have 100% respect for those out there that do not want them, and don’t just have kids to ‘fit in’ to what everyone else is doing. I think it’s very commendable to make that decision for yourselves, without letting peer pressure affect you. I say to each her/his own on this one.
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When we got married we were ready to be parents after a year. We both wanted two . We are blessed to have a girl and boy.
But before I met my husband I thought that if I do not get married I would adopt. I still have that in my heart to be able to adopt a child , to give a child a chance but my husband is against it though. Who knows he might change, but we are happy like this with our children.
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Bekah!!! It’s not the gray hairs you need to worry so much about. You can color those! It’s the age spots!!! Ha! Yes, from all those years by the pool and in the tanning bed. At least that’s where mine came from. It’s horrifying. Honestly. And don’t think that “Oh, I’ll just lay out and tan a little so they blend in”. No. They get darker!!! So now I shun tanning. I love to be outdoors, I just make sure I wear lots of sunblock!!!
All you ladies out there in your 20’s - wear sunblock!!! Take it from a 33 year old. It does catch up with you (sadly).
That being said…sorry to go off on a tangent, but the age spots are what make me feel “old”…. yes, I’m 33. Yikes. I still have to remind myself of that.
Being 33, we know that if we want kids, we need to have them fairly soon. We’re not quite where we’d want to be financially, but like Julie said, it seems to work out. We’ve talked about it, and we do want them - although I would be perfectly fine adopting and the hubby wants our own. Maybe we’ll do both? I just know (from all our doggies) that if we adopted, I would have no problem loving that child like my own.
My theory on having kids is this: when you’re young, you don’t overthink it too much. You just jump in. I think as you get older, you see others your age with kids, hear the horror stories, and have more time to really consider how your life could or would change. I know I’m definitely more scared now than when I was 23. Not just of the pregnancy and labor, but of all the responsibilities that come with children.
That being said, I also feel like I’m so much more ready to have kids now than when I was 23. Lately, because we’ve been talking about it, I’ve been kind of “fantasizing” about babies and kids for the first time EVER in my life. LOL!! I never thought I’d be “baby crazy”!
Great topic - so many people are kind of scared to talk about it. But just know that no - you’re not “selfish” if you don’t have kids. I think the people who would think that need to find something else to worry about.
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Having the same internal debate myself. Im a couple of years older than you and Im constantly being reminded about how my eggs are drying up. Thanks for the warning people. I’m not sure what to do - I think I do want them but I have lots of other things I want to do first. I know I can’t do it all but how does one decide these things?
PS: Its not just a Southern thing. Women have babies all over ;)
My husband and I decided not to have kids either. We neither feel the need to create a larger family, nor add to the already enormous human population. Plus, we are happy just how we are, and we can contribute to the families we have now.
we are both 27 and getting married in october. all though i feel my eggs shriveling up and dying one by one everyday, he doesn’t have the same urge to procreate asap. So, we are waiting a few years, probably until we are around 30, to fill the earth with our seedlings.
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If you have several siblings that already have kids, then you’re family’s covered–and your parents are swimming in grandchildren.
There’s also 7 billion people on this planet already. I think it’s a completely reasonable life choice to decide not to have children. It may not be reasonable for everyone, and that’s okay too. But you’re not living everyone’s life–you’re living your own.
Dan
Casual Kitchen
So glad to hear there are many couples like us who just aren’t all that interested in children. Thanks for all the input (and wow to having a male reader and commenter)!
Rebekah’s most recent blog post: Volume 1, Issue 3: Block Party
