Boundaries
July 9, 2009 · Posted in life, mojito maven, newlywed life, relationships by mojito maven
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Specifically in regards to the in-laws.
Although things have gotten better since our wedding, there was a time when every conversation I had with my mother in law ended with me in tears. It was very early on in our engagement when Mr. Mojito and I made firm boundaries with our in-laws. We are a team and we needed to act as such. In the end, those boundaries saved us.
When things would get really bad and I wanted to cave into my mother in law’s ridiculous demands, we would always remind ourselves of the all too common phrase, “When you give a mouse a cookie…”
I understand not everyone has a poor or even strained relationship with their in-laws. If you are one of those people, count your blessings. I wish I was as fortunate to have such a great relationship with my mother in law. Because of the hurt I felt during my own wedding planning process, I no longer want a close relationship with her. I wish it could be different, but I chose my own self-worth in the end. My feelings and my heart come first. It took me a long time to be fine with this decision, but now, I know it was a good decision for me to make.
Now, my mother in law no longer feels like she has the right to lecture, pass judgment, or offer her opinion unless it is specifically asked for.
I do hope one day I can look at her as a friend and not someone who caused me months of pain and heartache.
So…
How do you all deal with in-law issues. Do you set up boundaries? If yes, what kind of boundaries? How does your spouse or significant other deal with the issues?
If this post is too personal, please do not feel obligated to answer. I just wanted to hear how other people handled difficult family situations in the hopes that it may help my own.
{image c/o www.time.com}
As you know, my mother-in-law drives me up the wall! She means well but we are 100% different in every way. She is also very passive aggressive and emotional. I just answer her straight-forward and honestly when she makes comments - not rudely, but I’m also not going to indulge her. Ev is a good sport and deals with her 95% of the time - if he didn’t realize how ridiculous she can sometimes be, we wouldn’t be married.
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My soon to be mother in law is one piece of work. My fiance and I have been together for over nine years and are getting married next weekend and we have yet to receive a single nice word or congratulatory sentiment. She had a blow up at Christmas over our request that all of our parents get along since both of our partents are divorces with the dad’s remarried and the mom’s not. She took it personally and thought we were talking about her. Needless to say I have not spoken to her since and I’m praying that she behaves next weekend. I’m still not sure how to handle mother in laws that are hard to get along with.
Oh man, I can relate to this! My fiance and I are going to have to have a boundaries talk, because it’s come between us more than once… her side vs. my side. My FMIL is very bossy, and (dare I say it) a know-it-all. And you know what, I’ll admit to having those qualities in reasonable amounts too… and so it causes us to butt heads & my fiance feels put in the middle. I feel a talk coming, especially after just buying our home & having her tell us how we need to do everything. Argh!
We are still trying to find those boundries as a couple because shes been nuts for years, by my FIL and husband just let it go because shes crazy. Well, now shes shifted so that everything is aimed at me, and none of us are ok with that, but they have been so blaze’ about it for years, they are figuring out their footing and keeping me cool (cause ya know what? I DO take it personally.) Fortunately, we didn’t hear about her nastiness towards our DOC until after the wedding, so we had a great, if ignorant, time.
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my husband and I have struggled with his mother in law from the day we started dating. sad to say it’s been a 5 year struggle, which finally resulted in us doing an “amputation” and cutting her (and his dad who enabled her) out of our lives completely 1.5 years ago. she’s done some hideous things we couldn’t forgive, and the way she’s always treated me was terrible– and thankfully my husband always recognized it, and we were a united front on that issue. it is sad, and i hate that it has to be this way, because i always wanted that “friends” relationship with my mother in law, and i hope that maybe one day things will miraculously change. (i still refuse to give up hope even though i know i am being ridiculous.) i also know that in the present, my husband and i can’t have a toxic person trying their best to ruin our relationship and bring unnecessary stress into our lives at every turn. i hope you and your husband have found a good middle ground!
Wow, I think I need to give my MIL a big fatty hug right now. I love her to death, we get pedicures together and sometimes even shop together. Hell, I live right above the woman without any qualms. Sometimes I forget how blessed I truly am for my in-laws, thanks for the reality check!
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I’m with Julia. My MIL and FIL are great. We live 10 hours from my parents and 45 minutes from our in laws. So we really appreciate any interaction we have with them. That’s not to say my feelings haven’t been hurt, or theirs. But we have a really stable relationship that has only grown since the wedding two years ago.
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Our relationship isn’t close by any means and my MIL can drive me up the wall. The hardest thing is helping her find her place. My mom and I are really close and she wants that same relationship with me. The problem is that the only thing we have in common is my husband/her son. Now that the baby is here and i’m home all the time, she’s here with me all the time. I would prefer she only come once a week or so and we just can’t figure out how to delicately and tactfully request that she give me some time to myself with my son. Such a tough issue.
My parents always say that the best marriage advice they ever got was from the minister who married them who told them they each had to deal with their own families, meaning that when they had a problem with his parents, he had to be the one to confront them and vice versa. I definitely plan on following this advice in my own marriage.
If you only knew the things that my MIL did before our wedding. It was so bad I can’t even think about it without getting upset. Three years later things are better but it’s hard to forget how nasty she was to me.
One of our biggest boundaries was to take away her key. When we were engaged she didn’t see his condo as my home as well. I would come home and she would be in our kitchen and his younger sister would be on our computer. We have given it back but now she understands it is only for an emergency.
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My MIL and I have a better relationship now. Not “good”, but better. She’s an only child, and her whole life everything’s been about her. She rules the roost. They weren’t even that close to my FIL’s family. In fact, I’m not even sure that any of them came to our wedding.
So, along I come and all of a sudden we get the guilt trips because we don’t want to spend every and all holidays with them (five hours away!). Cause, you know, my family isn’t as importanat I guess.
We even get guilt trips because she just knows our children will like my parents better than them because my parents only live about 45 mins. away. Nevermind that we don’t even HAVE kids yet.
And the best part is that while my relationship with the MIL is getting better, that’s not really the case with the SIL. Nope. She’s immature, and gets her feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. She is constantly upset with us over something…. and her mother enables her and excuses her bad behavior away…..
I just try to let it all roll off my back. Like you, I’ve pretty much given up on having the type of relationship with them that I have with my own family. So, now that I don’t really care that much anymore, I’ve found that it doesn’t bother me as much. I know it’s sad, and wrong, but true.
I’m sure things will get better with time, and hopefully at some point they will even be good.
Good luck!
