To Gift or Not To Gift

PJ – I have had several instances of what you described for all accounts. Yes, I have heard of co-ed showers. They are becoming more and more popular. No, I haven’t been to one. I have been invited to both wedding showers and baby showers, and have attended some, wasn’t able to attend others.
The bridal shower I couldn’t attend, i still mailed a gift for because it was a good friend – this was when I was 27. When I was a little younger, 24 or so, I was invited to a bridal shower in another state and didn’t go, and didn’t send a gift, not realizing I probably should have. I hope, looking back, they didn’t think poorly of me.
If I was unable to attend a baby shower, I would still send a small gift along, be it a $20 gift card, or 1 or 2 cute onsies, just to say, thanks for inviting me. I wuoldn’t spend much. Just remember, what you do, or don’t do, always comes back in the end. If you don’t give a gift, don’t expect one when it is your turn.
I always go by the rule of politeness now.. if I was invited, I try to send a small something at the very least. Then again, right now I am engaged and I am SHOCKED at the amount of people who haven’t given us an engagement gift, despite us giving gifts n the past. And I talk abuot them behind their backs for being rude and not giving us a gift in return.
so, it’s all what you want to do, really.

Hey! I would definitely send a gift to the shower with another person who is attending. (b/c it is a surprise). I think that most people who are invited to a shower give a gift. I know I do.

For weddings where I can’t go to the shower but am attending the wedding (or if I can’t attend either), I just send one wedding gift (unless its a really good friend). For baby showers that I can’t attend, I still give something. I think etiquette says that if you don’t attend the event, a gift is not required but I’m more apt to send some token just to show the person I’m happy for their big life event!

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I always buy a gift for showers/weddings/etc. as long as I feel like I wasn’t invited JUST to get a gift. Have you ever got those invitations? The ones where you are like “I haven’t talked to you in YEARS!” Those people don’t get gifts, but if they are a good friend, its nice to get the one.

Since the shower is for a colleague of your husband’s, it might be best to send something small to prevent a strained work relationship…but I think it depends on the person. If these folks are super casual and invited everyone in the office, I think a prompt RSVP and nice note of congratulations in a handmade card would suffice.

Personally, I wouldn’t be offended if someone who couldn’t attend my shower didn’t send a gift. For “Elusive One,” the commenter above, I’d recommend the phrase “generosity is its own reward.” I feel it’s in poor taste to give gifts with conditions, or -expect- exact reciprocity. Times are hard and people have different budgets and priorities. Not to mention that around here, it is not common to give engagement gifts.

In general, if you’re going to give, give happily and generously from your heart, not out of obligation. Spend what you feel comfortable spending. If you can’t spend anything, be generous with your words, or maybe your time…stitch up a handmade bib or burp cloth. Good friends will be thankful for your gesture of friendship, not for the amount you spent, and when it’s “your turn,” practice gratitude for everything from a note to a $100 bill.

I was recently invited to a baby shower that I could not attend as well. As previous commentors have suggested, I sent a small gift with a note expressing my regret for not being able to attend. Mrs S. B. has a point. Since this is for your husband’s co-worker buy something small to avoid any problems at work.

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I don’t think there is anything that says you are required to buy a gift. If you like giving gifts, go for it. If not, don’t worry about it.

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Um… gifts are something you give because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to because it’s in return for something else. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be called a gift. That said, unless you can’t afford it, you’re supposed to bring a gift to showers and weddings you actually attend. If you do not attend, you shouldn’t feel obligated to buy anything. That said, if you feel moved to do so, then, by all means, go ahead! Gifts are always (okay, well, they should be!) well-received.