A month later, the cat is out of the bag. I got married and I didn’t change my name. (*insert shock and awe *) I will come right out and admit that it I find it rather insane that in 2009, people still assume that I changed my name just because I got married. Honestly, in the last month I have found myself outright stunned by the large contingency of people who are taken aback upon learning that, no, I did not in fact change my name. How is it that such a thing is still somehow shocking, surprising, perhaps even a little taboo? As if retaining my maiden name somehow makes me less married than had I forfeited my name to take another. So, I’m just going to put it out there – no, I didn’t change my name. And honestly? I think it’s one of the best decisions I ever made. Not that this was a decision I entered into lightly. It was a source of great debate and personal reflection, but in the end, the decision was clear.
{Source unknown}
My great debate about whether or not to change my name was not something I publicly discussed nor blogged about before I was married. In fact, it took me a while to figure it out myself. I had a lot of mixed emotions at first, but in the end it was a surprisingly easy decision. I debated changing my name, but keeping my maiden name professionally. I debated taking my maiden name as my middle name. One thing I didn’t consider was hyphenating – it would have required far too many syllables for my taste. Ultimately, the only thing that felt right was making no change at all. So that’s what I did. Nothing. I have yet to have a friend get married and not change their name, most being outright gleeful to do so, and so I understand that this lodges me firmly in some kind of minority category. I’m ok with that. Ultimately, this was a decision I made for myself, in consultation with my then fiancé, and it wasn’t a decision that required the input nor approval of anyone else. Which, is good, because I haven’t received approval from very many people, most of my largely conservative family included….despite it being their name I was unable to part with. The irony, huh?
I could likely drone on for hours about why I decided changing my name simply wasn’t a good option for me. I’ll cut to the chase and give you the Reader’s Digest version. Point blank - I don’t like the thought of belonging to someone or being dependent upon someone, either in name or in practice. I went through a really black period in my life where I had no grounding in who I was…I had become someone else, someone else’s needs and wants. My every mood, every smile, every tear was wrapped up in the mood swings and whims of another person. Somehow, to me, changing my name was symbolical of once again forfeiting a part of myself, a part I didn’t feel was necessary to forfeit in order to have a happy, unified and loving marriage. And at the same time I’ve watched countless other women enter relationships and become their boyfriend/husband and lose touch with who they are as an individual. I’ve seen my parents’ divorce where I watched my mother undo everything she’d become as my father’s wife and have to become an independent woman again. While I know it’s perfectly possible for a woman to get married and remain a strong, independent female regardless of whether she assumes another name, I found I really wasn’t comfortable with that for myself…regardless of the fact that even though we’re in the 21st century people still find this surprising and/or uncomfortable in some way.
The glorious thing about my relationship with my new husband is our great independence and strength as people and our great strength as a team and as a couple because of that. In a way I think each of us maintaining our own names is really perfectly appropriate. It came down to this – in the year 2009 I could not understand why I should have to take someone else’s name just because I’m a woman. There had to be a better reason than that and at least for me, I was unable to find that reason. It’s a deeply personal decision really and one that will have different answers for different women, but if the most appealing part of taking a last name was to share it with my best friend (who is now my sister in-law), I’m pretty sure that’s not the right reason.
Mrs. Smith I am not. {Source}
I can’t tell you how many cards were addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Smith* at the wedding and I can’t tell you how many people see me and say, “Hi, Mrs. Smith!” I guess I don’t blame them for the confusion, I simply smile and correct them. What annoys me is the people who just. don’t. get. it. For instance, the morning after our wedding as we walked into brunch my new father in-law declared, “Good morning, Mrs. Smith!” To which I smiled, said good morning and let him know I wasn’t Mrs. Smith as I had decided not to change my name. His reply? “Oh, so what is it then? Conners-Smith? Smith-Conners?” Um. No. I didn’t change my name. What part don’t you understand? My last name is Conners. Always has been, always will be. Thank you very much.
So, there, now you know. And now I’m dying to know – is anyone else in the “I didn’t change my name and it’s really annoying when people act surprised to hear that” club?
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent
I am so glad I found this post and all of the insightful responses to it! This has been a huge issue for me, because my husband and I are approaching our five-year wedding anniversary and his parents and a few of my older relatives STILL will not accept the fact that I did not change my name. I am particularly infuriated by my in-laws’ willful dismissal of my choice–a choice I feel very strongly about, and in which my husband has always supported me. I feel very connected to my family name; it links me to my heritage, and, as others commented above, I met my husband when I was an independent and accomplished person, and didn’t want to suddenly change the identity under which I had earned my college degree, served in the military, and gotten accepted into graduate school. I was able to do all of these things because of the wonderful parents who raised me and prepared me for life, and it is with their name that I choose to continue to achieve my goals. My marriage is still the most important thing in the world to me, and my husband knows that. We don’t need to have the same last name in order to feel secure about our union. I am now wrestling with the question of whether I finally confront my in-laws over the issue. If anyone has advice on handling this situation, I sure would appreciate it!
Hi Shelly,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I have been married 18years and still receive resistance, glares, and get totally disregarded about my choice to retain my own name. After all these years very little has changed in peoples attitudes concerning womyn keeping their given names. What continues to bother me is people who I have discussed the matter with in depth and are aware of my name and refuse to respect me. My husband just received an invitation to a wedding from his family addressed Mr. and Mrs. (his first and last name) like I don’t exist. This is breifly how I handle people now. If they are a new acquaintance, I correct them and take no offense. If they are aware of my name and choose to call me his name I don’t respond, which means if an invitation addressed incorrectly I consider myself not invited and don’t attend. It’s amazing that even older people can get it right if the love and respect you. Make no excuses for them and don’t respond to a name that is not yours. I refuse to let some change my name for me. I hope this at least let you know you are not alone and you are not wrong.
Sincerely,
Sam
I am not engaged or married but in a long term relationship. I have discussed this with my boyfriend and luckily he accepts that I would not take his name if we ever married. My surname is my mother’s name as she never married, I love my family very much (my dad’s side too even though I don’t have their name). I feel my name is a part of my identity. My boyfriend is of a different nationality to me, I live in his country, and it makes me want my name to stay even more as it reflects my homeland.
I also dislike taking the man’s name personally because I dislike that a woman is simply expected to do it, it’s like a submission of sorts if she does it purely to please her guy. If a woman honestly wishes to take his name then fair enough, but I am against a woman doing it purely because she is expected to or pressured to. I am an equal person in this relationship and I don’t want the family name I love being removed when it is just as important as his. In my eyes my name is part of who I am and not changing it reflects nothing on my commitment to him or my love for him. If he isn’t expected to change his name to show commitment to me then why should I have to in order to be committed to him?
So basically, if we ever marry, my name won’t change. I will not respond to Mrs *hisname*, I am far too stubborn! I will correct those who didn’t know and ignore those who know fully well and are just being difficult. Just because it’s the norm it doesn’t mean I have to blindly follow. I don’t want children but if I did they would have hyphenated names just like my brothers do (and they never get trouble with those names).
When I had gotten married, to be completely honest. I didn’t like my husband’s last name, and alot was going on where it would have confused more people to change it than to keep it the same. Also, I was debating over this because I have been with my last name for so many years and I have gotten quite attached to it. So I decided not to change it. But yet and still after we were married, I still had people calling me by his last name and that urked me.
Turns out that it was a good thing that I hadnt changed my name, me and him ended up not staying together and me not going through with that took out one last step for me to do:)
I completely agree with your statement “in the year 2009 I could not understand why I should have to take someone else’s name just because I’m a woman”. I am in a long-term serious relationship right now, and my boyfriend refuses to accept that I do not want to change my name. He thinks it diminishes the union of a husband and wife if they don’t share the same last name. He thinks compromise is having me hyphenate my last name, and having our kids hyphenate their last names. I responded with “then you hyphenate your last name as well”. He didn’t get it.
First of all, I would never want to shackle a kid with a hyphenated last name! Those were the poor kids that got made fun of when I was in elementary school (1990s). Nor do I want a hyphenated last name, especially as I am pursuing an MD degree, and that’s just too much to pronounce! Humor aside, this is very important to me, as he says this is a non-negotiable point. He doesn’t seem to understand that what he thinks he’s offering as compromise, is just me compromising to a lesser degree than solely taking his name. Why is it that in 2011 I have to compromise and give up something very important to me simply because I am a woman? Any advice?
I couldnt agree more. I am 35 years old. I am getting married for the first time next summer, and I dont want to change my name. It’s who I am. It’s the name I have lived with for 35 years. I love my name. Its my heritage, it’s me! And ever since I was a child, I have ALWAYS known I would never change my name. Why am I expected to give up a very important part of myself simply because I am getting married? It’s absurd. My fiance does not understand. He is quite upset that I dont want to take his name. I asked him to give me a good reason, and all he could come up with was the whole tradition angle. Well, I am not a traditional girl, if I was I would have been married at 22, not 35. And tradition means very little to me when it requires I make a sacrifice I dont want to make. I am strong, independant, and educated. I became who I am because of ME. I am not his property. I am not a part of him, like a hand or a foot. Why does he get to be “man”, and I just get to be “wife”? I asked him if he would consider changing his name and the answer was an immediate and resounding “NO”. So, why cant he understand where I’m coming from? The attachment he feels for his name is no less that my attachment to mine. I dont care what other people think. His family was shocked at my decision, his sister even made a spontaneous noise of disaproval when I said it. How is this an issue that matters to people who arent me and my soon-to-be husband? None of your business, plain and simple. I guess I’m just downright irritated at the flak I keep catching for the crime of not wanting to dissolve my identity as though it never existed.
I’m glad that I found this post! I’m dealing with this very same same issue. I’ve been married for over a year and a 1/2 and there still are some people who 1) don’t realize that I’ve kept my name and 2) refuse to ackowledge my choice. For those who don’t realize that I kept my name, it does annoy me (given all they have to do is look at Faceboo), but I let it slide. They obviously don’t pay attention to the return address on their X-Mas cards and such which list both of our names. However, there are several others, including my in-laws and my sister, who still address letters to Mr. & Mrs. husband’s first name and last name or Jen Husband’s Last name or (this was funny) Jen My last name – Husband’s last name! It’s ridiculous that they feel they can just make up a name for me! As if I gave up my right to choose my name whenever I got married. I let it slide the first year. I’ve even addressed them stating “you know I didn’t change my name right”. To which they agreed they knew. However, now we’re in Year Two of X-Mas cards and birthday cards. I just got a card from my sister addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Husband’s First & Last Name so I decided to just Return It To Sender. When she gets it back we will address it then. It needs to stop and people need to respect choices.