I Got Married…And Didn’t Change My Name

I didn’t change my name, out of pure laziness. It presented a little trouble for checks made out to my married name, but otherwise it’s been kind of fun having an alias sometimes. Maybe I’ll get around to it by our 2nd anniversary :)
Jessica’s most recent blog post: Lauren & Chase: The Bridal Session (Mercer Arboretum, Houston, TX)

[...] choked on my Starbucks iced coffee. Is it not utterly beautiful? Of course, for me, because I didn’t change my name, it would still reflect the initial of my original – and only – last name, which is [...]

I will not be changing my name either and it already drives me crazy when people assume I will. I love your article. Thank you!

As a fellow name-keeper, I hear ya! I’ve devised several subtle strategies to make it clear to folks, but when those fail, it comes down to Trevor having to tell his friends/family (since mine are all VERY clear that I kept my name) that no, I didn’t change my name, and yes, he’s perfectly happy with the decision. Moving on!
Maggie’s most recent blog post: Ted Kennedy, 1932-2009

You just described everything I went through. Honestly, I’m in love with my name & always have been and I always said that I would keep it when I got married. I guess everyone thought I was bluffing and expected me to run and change it. Nope. And people really do judge me like I’m some crazy hyper-feminist. No one really gets that it’s a personal decision & and that you can still have a strong marriage despite not being Mr. & Mrs. Sameperson. And honestly, it’s 2009, this shouldn’t be a big deal anymore.
Danielle’s most recent blog post: Tuesday Randomness …

Thank you so much for this post. I did not change my name mostly for professional reasons, but really, I’m a feminist that doesn’t feel the need. I’m not owned by my husband. I also didn’t combine finances w/ my husband, which was the most liberating decision of them all. I still find it ironic that my mother-in-law sends all cards to Mr. and Mrs. ABCD and my mother (the biggest feminist of them all) said, well, don’t you worry what will happen when you have a child in school? They’ll think you’re a single mother. Seriously, Mom???

Yay Cyd!
I’m not changing my name, and it was really never up for debate either. He didn’t want to change his name, so that settled it.
I’m sorry you’re getting annoying comments. I’ve gently corrected a few people who have assumed, but they mostly just look a little embarrassed after the fact. The woman at the bank even apologized–”I’m so sorry I assumed. We’ll of course keep your checks with the same name.”
Mo’s most recent blog post: Kitten Heels+Your favorite online shops

I changed my name! I still, though, was surprised when Macy’s sent out a “congrats you’re married, thanks for registering” note to Mrs. my-husbands-last-name. I’m sorry that people just assume you changed it, and that it’s become a problem.
Some of the issues you raise are good, and they were all things that I considered when choosing to change my name. In the end, though, what was most important to my husband and I was having a unified last name for our little family. Certainly there are many ways to go about this (me changing, him changing, both changing), but in the end I felt most comfortable with me changing my name.
I want to highlight, though, that this doesn’t mean that I’ve changed to become my husband’s wife. I am certainly no better at cooking, cleaning, and keeping house than I was before we were married, nor have I morphed to accept my husband’s personality simply because legal documents say that we have the same name.
I don’t think this makes me any less of a feminist - after all, what is my birth name other than a name given to me by my father? And his father? Certainly my birth name doesn’t represent the entirety of my history and the important women who have been in my life. I’ve really only changed how I’m identified by the outside world, this having no bearing on who I am, where I’ve been, or what I will become.
I think it’s really awesome, though, that women in 2009 are allowed to make this choice, and I applaud you for thoughtfully considering the option and doing what feels right to YOU, no matter what other people think!
(I’ve written about my particular circumstance here: http://homeinthecities.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/officially-and-legally/)
Jen’s most recent blog post: chalkboard window

I am amazed at the women my age who assume I changed my name. And I am as equally annoyed by the women who say to me- oh when you have kids in school- you’ll change your name. Nope. no way. But as you said- the only person’s opinion besides my own that matters- is my husband’s. And he is as pleased as punch that I kept my name. It was a non-issue for us.

YES!!!! I made the decision to keep my name for personal and professional reasons. My husband was resistant at first, but now understands my decision. We weren’t too concerned about our families because they are used to us doing what we want. But I am constantly surprised at the reactions of strangers! We recently purchased a new car together and, when filling out the paperwork, I had to point out to the salesman that my last name was different than my husband’s. His response? “Oh, so you don’t love him enough to take his name, huh?” Seriously. I was shocked! My husband actually jumped in and defended me because all I could do was sit there stupidly, smile and laugh nervously. The name issue may be re-addressed if kids ever enter the picture. Until then, I’m happy with my decision. We shouldn’t be questioned on it!!! Especially by strangers!

It’s such a difficult choice, regardless of the end decision. I decided to change mine to my hubby’s last name, after much debate.

Surprisingly, it’s been HARDER this way. As a female MBA candidate, I’m surrounded with a lot of very strong females…who’ve been surprised that I AM changing my name. I’ve heard: “but why would you want to change it after you’ve already been “xxx” name for so long?” Sigh. There is no happy medium!

Congrats for being strong in your decision. Hooray!

I didn’t change mine either for many of the reasons you listed above, including Jessica’s all too true comment that it’s just a pain in the rear to do it :) And I find that I have a lot of company. But in the end it’s a personal choice, and I agree with Jen that it’s nice to be able to decide what’s best for ourselves.

So …now that I’m eight months pregnant, we’ve been trying to figure out what to do with her last name when she’s born. I’d like to co-opt the Spanish tradition of two surnames to make it easier at day cares and airports to prove that she and I are family …but I hate to torture the little thing with four total names on a legal document. Curious what other people have done?
Kathy at MerrimentDesign.com’s most recent blog post: Canning label template

I got married 3 months ago and always planned on hyphenating my name…but when the time came I just couldn’t do. It doesn’t feel right to be called by anything but my maiden, and deep down I really hate the idea of a women taking the husband’s name (despite how much I love my husband). I decided that the best route for me is to keep my maiden name until I feel comfortable changing it- which might be never! It might be next week! But for some reason it has taken some of the pressure off, and right now I’m happy with my name.

But for the love of God people need to stop addressing checks with my husband’s last name! The bank wont let me cash them!
Melissa’s most recent blog post: No Need For Concern

Good for you!

I’m also not making any changes. It’s insulting how much I’ve had to defend this decision to not only my fiance but anyone who catches wind of it. It doesn’t feel right, come on people it’s 2009 not everything is cookie cutter.

Now if he decided that he wanted both of us to change our names to something different than our given last names I’d be totally down. Because in that sense we’d be making a change together.
Sarah’s most recent blog post: Wedding Gift Idea

My mom kept her name and has been married for 30 years now.

It took a while for my own friends to get used to it but they call her by her maiden name now. I have actually never heard anyone say anything negative about her decision - so good for you in staying with what you feel is true! I am sure when my mom first got married, there were comments but it seemed to have passed by the time I came along. Congrats on being newlyweds!
KaityWhite’s most recent blog post: fall is not so far.

I love my husband to death and it still took me 3.5 years to change my name and even then I’ve only done it half way :) No offense to your Mr. but his last name kind of sounds like a foreign pastry and adding your name makes it worse.

Okay, so I was scrolling through reading the numerous comments when I saw “Christy” talking about “Mr. and Mrs. ABCD” and I had to take a second look, re-read and think “why is she writing about me?”

BUT THEN I realized she was not. Not only because it would only be Mr. and Mrs. D but also because I TOO NEVER *officially* TOOK the D!

I have always loved being Amy Beth Cupp (ABC) and while I was happy to add the D - who wouldn’t love to add a “meant to be” initial? But for the last 2.5 years we’ve been traveling to Europe two weeks every other month and it never seemed like the right time to go through all the hassle. I don’t mind when people say Mrs. Dragoo, or call me Amy Dragoo - the only problem with this is situation is that I often stumble over my own name. I never know what to say when I introduce myself. For the sake of clarity, it would be nice to pick one and stick with it - I am established in my business as ABC Dragoo - but all in all I would much prefer the easy name of Amy Cupp.

Oye, oye, oye!
Thanks for the post Cyd. You’ve got me thinking!
ABC Dragoo’s most recent blog post: Sautéed Carrots {Spectacular Side Dish!}

I would never question your decision as each person’s name choice is just that: personal. I however decided to change mine. I liked how we became a family unit. {I have kept my maiden name professionally at the moment}.

A couple of questions though: are you ‘Mrs’? And what will you do if you have children? I have a friend who had a baby & then decided to change her name because she wanted all the family to have the same name.

Good choice! I will not be changing my name when I get married because I love it: it’s very unusual but still easy to pronounce and spell (uh, for most). Plus I have a business built around it. Maybe he can change HIS name to mine ;)

Great article Cyd!

After our wedding in two months, I’m not changing my name. The Mr. and I decided I should wait until I’m really ready. And I’ve been debating this one since before we were even engaged! So, should the day come, I’ll do it. Maybe it never will. Who knows?

I’m 27 and am amazed that my friends are shocked by this. We were born in the 80’s. Title 9 babies. So strange that this is an issue at all…
Elizabeth’s most recent blog post: Where my girls at?!

This decision was oh so hard for me. I have a long, hard to pronounce last name. As a child, I was excited by the prospect of getting married and having a new last name. Let it be Smith or Jones. Then I met my husband’s whose name is even harder than mine to pronounce and almost as long. I didn’t mind it and was excited about changing my name.

In the year of our engagement, my paternal grandmother died and my father’s mortality had been pushed to the forefront of my mind. I desperately wanted to keep my last name to have a tie to that family. However, my husband wasn’t so thrilled at the idea of us not sharing the same name.

I couldn’t make my last name my middle name because my middle name is my maternal grandmother’s name and somewhat of a family name. And hyphenation was not an option because our combined names are a ridiculous mouthful. So I changed my name. To be honest I was a little bitter about it. His mom asked how it felt to be a ——– and I was annoyed. Now I don’t mind as much. I try to find my identity in my first and middle names. I’ve also kept a portion of my maiden name as my blog title (Hasel is a part of my maiden name) and I hope to some day give one of my children that name as a middle name.

What a great post! I commend other brides for sticking with what they want to do! I only wish I’d realized sooner that I’d like to hang onto my name so I could have discussed it with my husband sooner than a few months before the wedding.
Allison’s most recent blog post: Our Fabulous Winter Wedding: Primping and Prepping

I had the opposite problem! A good many of my coworkers were snotty about the fact that I was changing my name and treated me like some 1950s throwback… It’s a sensitive subject, and we tend to get entrenched and defensive about the choice we’ve made. My husband was even surprised that I wanted to completely take his last name because I’m so independent, but I never questioned whether I would change it. I have brothers and nephews to carry on the family name, and I like the idea of the new family we’re building sharing a name, even if it is becoming old-fashioned as we more and more establish identity and career first and marry later. Congrats for standing up for what you wanted to do, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do!

I also didn’t change my last name. I knew I wasn’t going to before I even met my husband, and he never minded.
Now that I’m 8 months pregnant (hi Kathy!), people seem very concerned about our kids. It’s important to my husband that our children have his last name, so they will. When our kids our old enough to ask about it, I’ll just explain they have thier dad’s last name and I have mine. Hopefully once they’re old enough they’ll realize it’s a personal choice.
The funniest thing is when our neighbors and other people who know my name assume I’ve changed it and call my husband Mr. Mylastname. We usually don’t correct them…

First of all, I just have to say that I think you all rock and I really appreciate you taking the time to chime in. I also agree that I’m really happy in 2009 that we as women have the choice whether we’d like to change our name or not, and I’m fully supportive of those women who make a decision regarding this issue that is different than mine. Oh the beauty of freedom! And, again, it wasn’t necessarily an easy decision for me either - growing up I think I always assumed I would, but the reality of the situation was just not one I was comfortable with when it came down to it…I am very happy and very content with having kept my maiden name.

Regarding the question of “what happens when you have kids” - which I think is a very valid one - I’ll be honest again and admit that I got married to be married. I did not necessarily get married to have children. (Another shocker to some people, but we’ll save this for another post!) We may someday decide to have kids and we may not. I certainly wasn’t going to allow that possible eventuality to determine what decision I made with regards to changing my name. And, frankly, if we do have kids, my husband is a teacher and he assures me (as if we didn’t know this already) that there are plenty of kids who have parents with different last names and they are just as likely to be perfectly adjusted, high-achieving students. So, in a nutshell, I’m perfectly ok with my hypothetical child of the future sharing their father’s last name, or maybe some combination of our names, and I’m pretty sure that their well-being will be more a reflection of our efforts and love as parents than on what they posses for a last name.

Again, I think you all rock and I love love love the discussion this has inspired. xoxo
cyd’s most recent blog post: {Dear Santa} Family Crest Necklace

Great, great post, Cyd… and I’m completely with you on so much of it, especially what you just said about “getting married to be married.” We’re exactly the same about the kid thing, although leaning more towards not. Anyway, I decided not to change my name mostly for professional reasons, but it’s something I thought about for years and years before I even met my husband. It just wasn’t right for me. When I told my husband I wasn’t going to change my name, his response was basically, “Duh!” :-D

Rachel asked above if you were a “Mrs.” and I’ll share my feelings on that: I’m definitely a Ms. For some reason, I’ve always associated Mrs. with being a mom –I know that’s kind of weird! But I skirt the issue by asking everyone (mostly meaning my private music students) to call me by my first name.
Wendy’s most recent blog post: Pepitas Paprikash

I didn’t change my name either, but my husband did change his. I didn’t want to change my name. I had lived 29 years with it and didn’t want to let it go. It felt like me. I am an only child and very close with my family. My husband wanted us to have the same name so the obvious compromise was for him to take my name.

My husband comes from a hard upbringing with absent parents (because of mental and physical illness.) He lived in a group home from the age of 14. We met at 19 and my family really took him in as one of their own. As our relationship grew, so did theirs. It was a way to pay homage to them.

We have both been judged cruelly for our decision to do something outside the norm. Not by my family, but by people who don’t really know us. That has been the biggest aggravation. When people who don’t know you, or care about you make judgments based on one small piece of information.

Well said, Cyd!

Signed,
Your friend Krista
aka Ms. Hanna-Thompson
(but socially, I go by Ms. Thompson out of preference)

I’m not married, but I do plan on changing my name, which is why I don’t actively brand it with my companies. However, I have been surprised by all the people who are taken aback that I would consider NOT keeping my maiden name.
Liene Stevens’s most recent blog post: Getting Results From Your Wedding Blog Ad

I haven’t changed my name either! I had always thought I was going to hyphenate, but now that the time has come I can’t bring myself to do that either. Something inside of me just hates the concept of changing my last name so I am not going to do it. I reserve the right to change my mind later down the line, but so far I haven’t ran into many problems with having a different last name then my husband and quite frankly I don’t really care if I do.
Melissa’s most recent blog post: Pretty Funny

I have a unique last name and my husband-to-be has a very common last name. I am not changing it because I think it makes me more memorable to people and I secretly like having to spell it!

THANK YOU for this post! I have been thinking a lot about not changing my name. I’m Latina and my soon-to-be is American. I feel like i will be losing apart of my identity if I change my last name. I’m so proud of what my last name represents,my culture, our struggles. My fiance is not so thrilled about the idea of me keeping my name. I’ve tried to explain it to him but he just doesn’t get it. How can I word it to him that he won’t get so pissy about it?

I’m engaged and will be keeping my name. People are constantly asking me “What will your name be when you get married?” and they are always shocked when I say I won’t be changing my name.
One reason they find it weird is because I don’t talk to my father, but it’s my name too, not just his!
My faince is fine with it but if he weren’t I don’t know if he would be the kind of man I would marry…
I have a friend who got married this year who toyed with the idea of keeping her maiden name until her fiance told her that he thought it would be disrespectful of her not to change her name and that hi belief was that when a man proposes and a woman says yes she is saying yes to marriage and taking the man’s name! I couldn’t believe it!

The last name thing has been huge for my fiance and I. My family is very small and there are no men to carry on the family name; my fiance’s family is the opposite — large with many boys to carry on the name. Very early on after we got engaged, he came to me and said that he wanted to take on my name after we married so that we could keep my family name alive and give it our children. I had never brought it up, but I had secretly been thinking that I wanted our children to carry on my family name as well (and its not a good middle name) — so I was incredibly touched and thrilled that he was willing to so something so unorthodox that meant so much to me.

To make a long story short, my father didn’t want to let him take our name for religious reasons. It was incredibly hurtful for both of us and took some time to wrap our heads around. But we talked about it a lot and have decided to take my mother’s last name (she never changed her name, my parents divorced when I was young, and she passed away a few years ago). Her family name also didn’t have anyone to carry it on.

My husband-to-be (and his wonderful family) has been loving and understanding through all of crazy, sometimes-negative time and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be marrying him. We’re getting married in a month and I couldn’t be happier because we’re going to be husband and wife soon.

i’m actually surprised about the flack you’re getting for the decision. most people seemed to assume i wasn’t changing my name.
i’ve taken the partial route, keeping my maiden name professionally (at least until i get a new job) but i changed to his last name legally. you lucked out on the not changing thing… having to get EVERYTHING switched over is the biggest hassle EVER! combine that with moving at the same time and it’s an outright nightmare.

i struggled with the decision alot as well. it took many nights of really sitting back and focusing on it, reflecting on everything it meant (not socially but to me), weighing all the pros and cons of each decision i could make… and ultimately i never wanted to lose the identity i’ve worked so hard to create and am so proud of my accomplishments as that person, with that name but i didn’t make the decision for me. i made it for my kids. i knew it would just be easier this way.
it’s a very personal decision and i can’t imagine there’s a single strong woman out there who makes the decision to keep or change her name easily.

I have had a very different experience . . . like Molly, I have had many people react totally surprised that I was changing my name. His (and now my) last name is 15 letters long . . . I am not sure if that is why people were surprised, or just because I was doing it, but for me I just always assumed I would. I love having a family name and it is just part of the whole thing for me.

The only thing I really want to add is for those of you who decide to hyphenate your names, please, seriously please do not give your children hyphenated names. Imagine your son is John Doe-Smith . . . and he goes to get married. What if that woman wanted to take her husband’s name? Now she would have to take a hypenated name (even more confusion in the whole decision). Anyway . . .

I will not be changing my name -and this decision was not even slightly hard. Why would I need to? The thought of changing my name truly never occurred me. The idea of changing my perfectly fine name is as odd to me as it probably would be for a lot of guys..

When it comes to children, we will be giving our kids his last name (we are expecting our first child). This is simply due to the fact that we are an international couple and his last name is MUCH easier to pronounce (and comprehend) in most languages than mine. :) But both my sister and my brother have given their children the mother’s last name, both for reasons of their own. So for us as well giving my name was a very appropriate option.

I have had a different last name than my mother all of my life and I can tell you that it makes zero difference in how much you feel like a family unit. At one point we had four different last names in our family and that really was fine to live with.

I applaud your ability to make your own decision based on what is right for YOU! Brideas ask me my opinion on this all the time. Really I have no idea why, it is such a personal decision. Maybe it is because my name is a hyphenated so they think I have some hidden insight.

I agree people seem confused at first but they figure out. So good for you!

I am not changing my name as well. I’m an encore bride and during my first marriage I gave in and changed my name. I am in the military and received a promotion around the same time I married, it was weird to one day be called Specialist Lugo* and the next week I became Sergeant Smith*, people were confused and so was I. After my divorce that was the only thing I wanted, my maiden name back. I also grew up in PR were women don’t change their last names and children simply have two last names: their paternal followed by their maternal last name. The way I see it mine will also have two last names. I believe if women researched history and why women had to change their names less of them would. Thanks for sharing your story!
Encore Bride’s most recent blog post: The Encore Bride Fitness-30 Day Shred Challenge

I didn’t change my name but I don’t correct people who call me Mrs. Jones or address mail to Mr. & Mrs. Jones because just by getting married that makes me Mrs. Jones!
I think to be offended that people aren’t assuming you’ll stay Miss Doe once you married Mr. Smith is a little self-absorbed. Just roll with it and be nice. It doesn’t change your politics or ethics to be nice.

I didn’t change my last name. I never wanted to change it. I always said I would have my last name till I died. We had our son before we were married and yes, he does have four names. So does his father. My last name is our son’s second middle name. I didn’t want to hyphenate my son’s name. Plus, his dad’s is hispanic and my last name is very anglo, too weird together. My husband does tease me about it sometimes that I didn’t take his name, but he does understand that it is my choice. I also have had my last name longer than he has had his. I am eight years older than him. When I send out cards I refer to us as the my last name-his last name family, but it still is hard for some people to understand.

I have been married for over two years and I did not change last name either. It was a decision my husband and I both decided on. He is not bothered by it, because we are till legally married. Although people call me by both my married and maiden name. I doesn’t get confusing anymore.