Comments on: I Got Married…And Didn’t Change My Name

By: JenS

JenS — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:50:57 +0000

I’m glad that I found this post! I’m dealing with this very same same issue. I’ve been married for over a year and a 1/2 and there still are some people who 1) don’t realize that I’ve kept my name and 2) refuse to ackowledge my choice. For those who don’t realize that I kept my name, it does annoy me (given all they have to do is look at Faceboo), but I let it slide. They obviously don’t pay attention to the return address on their X-Mas cards and such which list both of our names. However, there are several others, including my in-laws and my sister, who still address letters to Mr. & Mrs. husband’s first name and last name or Jen Husband’s Last name or (this was funny) Jen My last name – Husband’s last name! It’s ridiculous that they feel they can just make up a name for me! As if I gave up my right to choose my name whenever I got married. I let it slide the first year. I’ve even addressed them stating “you know I didn’t change my name right”. To which they agreed they knew. However, now we’re in Year Two of X-Mas cards and birthday cards. I just got a card from my sister addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Husband’s First & Last Name so I decided to just Return It To Sender. When she gets it back we will address it then. It needs to stop and people need to respect choices.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:08:12 +0000

I couldnt agree more. I am 35 years old. I am getting married for the first time next summer, and I dont want to change my name. It’s who I am. It’s the name I have lived with for 35 years. I love my name. Its my heritage, it’s me! And ever since I was a child, I have ALWAYS known I would never change my name. Why am I expected to give up a very important part of myself simply because I am getting married? It’s absurd. My fiance does not understand. He is quite upset that I dont want to take his name. I asked him to give me a good reason, and all he could come up with was the whole tradition angle. Well, I am not a traditional girl, if I was I would have been married at 22, not 35. And tradition means very little to me when it requires I make a sacrifice I dont want to make. I am strong, independant, and educated. I became who I am because of ME. I am not his property. I am not a part of him, like a hand or a foot. Why does he get to be “man”, and I just get to be “wife”? I asked him if he would consider changing his name and the answer was an immediate and resounding “NO”. So, why cant he understand where I’m coming from? The attachment he feels for his name is no less that my attachment to mine. I dont care what other people think. His family was shocked at my decision, his sister even made a spontaneous noise of disaproval when I said it. How is this an issue that matters to people who arent me and my soon-to-be husband? None of your business, plain and simple. I guess I’m just downright irritated at the flak I keep catching for the crime of not wanting to dissolve my identity as though it never existed.

By: Emily

Emily — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 05:21:03 +0000

I completely agree with your statement “in the year 2009 I could not understand why I should have to take someone else’s name just because I’m a woman”. I am in a long-term serious relationship right now, and my boyfriend refuses to accept that I do not want to change my name. He thinks it diminishes the union of a husband and wife if they don’t share the same last name. He thinks compromise is having me hyphenate my last name, and having our kids hyphenate their last names. I responded with “then you hyphenate your last name as well”. He didn’t get it.

First of all, I would never want to shackle a kid with a hyphenated last name! Those were the poor kids that got made fun of when I was in elementary school (1990s). Nor do I want a hyphenated last name, especially as I am pursuing an MD degree, and that’s just too much to pronounce! Humor aside, this is very important to me, as he says this is a non-negotiable point. He doesn’t seem to understand that what he thinks he’s offering as compromise, is just me compromising to a lesser degree than solely taking his name. Why is it that in 2011 I have to compromise and give up something very important to me simply because I am a woman? Any advice?

By: Sara

Sara — Wed, 04 May 2011 00:17:44 +0000

When I had gotten married, to be completely honest. I didn’t like my husband’s last name, and alot was going on where it would have confused more people to change it than to keep it the same. Also, I was debating over this because I have been with my last name for so many years and I have gotten quite attached to it. So I decided not to change it. But yet and still after we were married, I still had people calling me by his last name and that urked me.
Turns out that it was a good thing that I hadnt changed my name, me and him ended up not staying together and me not going through with that took out one last step for me to do:)

By: Unknown

Unknown — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 14:40:30 +0000

I am not engaged or married but in a long term relationship. I have discussed this with my boyfriend and luckily he accepts that I would not take his name if we ever married. My surname is my mother’s name as she never married, I love my family very much (my dad’s side too even though I don’t have their name). I feel my name is a part of my identity. My boyfriend is of a different nationality to me, I live in his country, and it makes me want my name to stay even more as it reflects my homeland.

I also dislike taking the man’s name personally because I dislike that a woman is simply expected to do it, it’s like a submission of sorts if she does it purely to please her guy. If a woman honestly wishes to take his name then fair enough, but I am against a woman doing it purely because she is expected to or pressured to. I am an equal person in this relationship and I don’t want the family name I love being removed when it is just as important as his. In my eyes my name is part of who I am and not changing it reflects nothing on my commitment to him or my love for him. If he isn’t expected to change his name to show commitment to me then why should I have to in order to be committed to him?

So basically, if we ever marry, my name won’t change. I will not respond to Mrs *hisname*, I am far too stubborn! I will correct those who didn’t know and ignore those who know fully well and are just being difficult. Just because it’s the norm it doesn’t mean I have to blindly follow. I don’t want children but if I did they would have hyphenated names just like my brothers do (and they never get trouble with those names).

By: Samantha

Samantha — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 02:45:13 +0000

Hi Shelly,

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I have been married 18years and still receive resistance, glares, and get totally disregarded about my choice to retain my own name. After all these years very little has changed in peoples attitudes concerning womyn keeping their given names. What continues to bother me is people who I have discussed the matter with in depth and are aware of my name and refuse to respect me. My husband just received an invitation to a wedding from his family addressed Mr. and Mrs. (his first and last name) like I don’t exist. This is breifly how I handle people now. If they are a new acquaintance, I correct them and take no offense. If they are aware of my name and choose to call me his name I don’t respond, which means if an invitation addressed incorrectly I consider myself not invited and don’t attend. It’s amazing that even older people can get it right if the love and respect you. Make no excuses for them and don’t respond to a name that is not yours. I refuse to let some change my name for me. I hope this at least let you know you are not alone and you are not wrong.
Sincerely,
Sam

By: Shelly

Shelly — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 03:59:46 +0000

I am so glad I found this post and all of the insightful responses to it! This has been a huge issue for me, because my husband and I are approaching our five-year wedding anniversary and his parents and a few of my older relatives STILL will not accept the fact that I did not change my name. I am particularly infuriated by my in-laws’ willful dismissal of my choice–a choice I feel very strongly about, and in which my husband has always supported me. I feel very connected to my family name; it links me to my heritage, and, as others commented above, I met my husband when I was an independent and accomplished person, and didn’t want to suddenly change the identity under which I had earned my college degree, served in the military, and gotten accepted into graduate school. I was able to do all of these things because of the wonderful parents who raised me and prepared me for life, and it is with their name that I choose to continue to achieve my goals. My marriage is still the most important thing in the world to me, and my husband knows that. We don’t need to have the same last name in order to feel secure about our union. I am now wrestling with the question of whether I finally confront my in-laws over the issue. If anyone has advice on handling this situation, I sure would appreciate it!

By: Eliza

Eliza — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 03:57:19 +0000

Hello All: Lovely to read all of your posts! I too am a non-name-changer, and very happy with my decision! We married about 6 mos ago, and I did consider hyphenating; we both have short last names that actually sound kind of cool together. However, the thought that I had to do the name changing, identity shifting, paperwork because I’m a woman just didn’t make sense to me! (also, I love my last name – it’s unique – and am very close to my family) my now husband really didn’t have an issue with it at all, and in the end, he encouraged me to just keep my name as is, cause he could tell that was what I wanted. As well, he comes from a culture where women don’t change their names, so he wasn’t attached to the idea. When we have kids, which we hope to, we’re thinking about hyphenating our last names for them. We both feel good about that. I haven’t got too much flack for not changing, but people did ask “what’s your name now?” so I just said “it’s the same” which felt really good. Most of my friends know that I’m a feminist, so I think they would have been surprised if I had changed my name. However, I don’t understand why so many women change their names?? It mystifies me. It’s not necessary anymore, and is so obviously patriarchal. I just don’t understand it!

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:56:32 +0000

Well, your post certainly struck a chord with lots of people! I, too, have found it shocking that this particular tradition is often followed without much thought by so many people. I may have been one of those people, but I had the opportunity to live overseas for a few years, and the country I lived in did not have the tradition of women changing their last name upon marriage. Living in a place with other traditions tends to make a person reflect upon their own… so I was able to plan our wedding and marriage, using only the traditions that we chose and agreed with.

It IS the norm in the U.S. for women to change their surname, so I suppose I forgive people for assuming that I did. But I agree that the reaction of some people is just shocking for 2010. I also ask, “Would I ask my husband to change his last name to mine? No. So why would I change mine? Simply because I’m a WOMAN?” Forget it!

By: Bob

Bob — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 00:43:28 +0000

When my wife & I married in ’89, we BOTH kept our “maiden” names. Seemed only right. Only got 1 negative comment @ the time: “Don’t you love him?” from her grandmother. What b.s.! With divorce rates what they were (are?), who would want to end up saddled with their Ex’s last name? Amused when telemarketers call asking for Mr. wifes_last_name — No one here by that name.