Not long after my husband and I were married I shared with you my reasoning behind why I didn’t change my last name and today I figured it might be time to share with you why I got married. I’m sure it seems pretty straightforward to most of you, but as it turns out there is at least some degree of confusion among people as to why two individuals might decide to get married. My reasoning behind marriage was pretty simple – I wanted to be a wife. While this may not seem like a shocker to you, allow me to clarify for a moment – I got married because I wanted to be a wife; I did not get married because I wanted to be a mother. At least in my world, the things are two wildly different roles, one of which I do not aspire to add to my list of credentials.
{Photo via Girls Just Wanna Have Funds}
Allow me to preface this conversation by noting that I love children, especially toddlers because they melt my heart, and I adamantly support my friends and family who have elected to make parenthood a part of their lives. I love and have limitless respect for women who chose to be mothers. (Thanks, Mom!) I simply don’t want to be one. Not now. Possibly not ever. Shockingly, in 2010 this is still an incredibly outlandish concept in most circles I run in so I thought I’d throw it out on the table so others who share my feelings can rest assured – you are not alone. There are at least a few of us running around out here in the wild who have no desire to be a mommy, despite society’s shock and awe at the thought of a woman not becoming a mother at some point in her adulthood.
So. Why did I get married? Simply put, because I love my husband and I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to be his partner, his confidant, his best friend, his biggest fan and his partner in crime for all the days of my life. In turn, I wanted someone to travel the world with, to grow with, someone to challenge me to do better, and to spend my days with someone whose very presence makes accomplishments large and small infinitely more meaningful and more exciting. In other words, I got married to share my life with him and in turn to share his life with him. It just so happens, Mike is the greatest person I know and I love him dearly so it only made sense he should be that person. I got married because I wanted to be his wife, partner, friend and coach. Becoming parents is irrelevant to all the ways we love each other and all the ways we’re committed to each other so while I can’t say definitively we’ll never be parents, it certainly played no role in if we got married. If we decide to become parents, that commitment will be a separate oath we take on the day we decide to go down that path. Until then, I’m no less of a wife nor any less of a person because I have no plans to become a mother.
With all that said, it has to be noted that six months into marriage I’m growing a little weary of all the people who won’t give up on their quest to beat us into submission with regards to their will for us to have a baby. I find it incredibly odd that before you’re married, most socially-adjusted people wouldn’t even think about inquiring about your sex life at every family gathering and social occasion, but once you’ve signed a marriage license all bets are off – your sex life can be mentioned, without fear of recourse, at will pretty much any time of day or night, regardless of the appropriateness of the situation. Honestly, what is with people constantly asking me when I’m going to have a baby? What if we were trying to have a baby and we couldn’t for some reason? Does anyone ever stop to think about how horribly inappropriate it is to butt into someone else’s plans, or lack thereof, to procreate? And, while we’re at it, if even one more person tells me that my “clock is ticking,” that my “eggs are dying” or that it’s “your turn next” I might scream. No. It is not my “turn” – this is not a board game. This is life, people! Motherhood is not something you pick up on a whim while you’re out at the mall shopping, it’s an incredibly important decision that can only be made between the people involved, not an issue up for public debate. Life is not a democracy and you get no say in my decisions regarding reproduction.
I’ll save my laundry list of reasons for not wanting to be a mother for another post (and why, if I do decide to be a mom, I’ll probably be adopting), but for now suffice it to say that the motivation behind my getting married was to be married, not to be a parent. Whatever your reasoning for getting married, I support it, and I’d love if even a few more people could support mine. Oh, and while we’re at it, if you could stop telling me that I’m “young” and that I’ll change my mind it would be very much appreciated. Whether you like it or not, I’m not having a baby. Final answer.
While I personally have every intention of becoming a mother, I don’t think any less of any wife who chooses not to. You’re absolutely right; it’s a decision between the two people involved, and everyone else should learn to keep their mouths shut!
.-= Jennelle’s most recent blog post: Quick Update! =-.
Twitter: @sillylittle
We’re choosing not have kids either. I got married for the same reasons you did.
I have no clock, no ticking time bomb telling me to have kids. Most of my friends do and I can’t relate. I’m worried mine will go off when I’m 40 and I won’t be able to do anything about it!
.-= Linda’s most recent blog post: Lemon Muffins =-.
Twitter: @socalnewlywed
We’ve been married 1.5 yrs but no one really ever asks us about kiddos — It must be a Southern California thing. It seems crazy that people would constantly ask you such a personal question! I never ask people about babies in case they are struggling with infertility or something — don’t want to bring up a sensitive topic.
.-= Newlywed Next Door’s most recent blog post: What I Gave Up for Lent… =-.
Twitter: @abcddesigns
OMG – I couldn’t agree more. We got engaged and my soon-to-be father in law asked if he could make a baby rocker as our wedding gift. We have no intention of having children at this point – and at 35 – I doubt “all of a sudden” my clock will chime in.
People always say “Oh you’d be such a great mom with all the cooking, craft and creative things you do” – my response is “Yea, I’d have kids and no time to do all those things!”
Thanks for this post Cyd. I know how many people poke, prod and insist that you too will want to join in the pleasures of parenthood – To be honest, the happiest families I know are the ones who are childfree.
ABCD
.-= ABC Dragoo’s most recent blog post: {MORE} Kitchen Inspiration =-.
Amen! I got married to my husband Oct 2008 because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together too. We’ve been together for 11 years this year. We’re both turning 30 this year too and I’ve been in the same boat with discussion of my womb. My parents have actually discussed arguing about whether or not to buy a crib for us at Thanksgiving dinner last year. I’m not pregnant so I don’t know why I’d want a crib! There is also an antique store that we frequent… the owner has rubbed my stomach the last two times I’ve been in! I’M NOT PREGNANT! And, I swear I don’t look it either. I don’t know why people are so nuts about babies.
Twitter: @duolynoted
No babies or last name changes for me either!
.-= Melissa’s most recent blog post: "You Let It DIE!" =-.
Twitter: @honeysucklelife
Having children is such a huge thing, and most couples don’t truly consider how it changes your lives and how hard it is to be a good parent. We are just now starting to seriously consider having children. My response to the numerous claims is “We’re not ready yet. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves before we raise a child.” People usually smile and nod and then accept it.
.-= Rebekah’s most recent blog post: Happiness or Running With My Owner =-.
My hubby and I have been married almost 9 years and we get asked about babies all the time! From the same people even! It gets old pretty fast. We got married for the same reasons you stated and have no desire to bring children into this world right now. (or ever as the case may be) I just wish people would stop asking.
.-= D’Rae’s most recent blog post: Tuesday – 2-23-10 =-.
I totally feel your pain. Even though my husband and I did want to have children (and are pregnant with our first now), I found it so annoying that the minute we were engaged, people started talking about babies. It was very frustrating and drives me crazy!
.-= Amy S.’s most recent blog post: The week of Feb 14-21 was good to me =-.
Twitter: @amiatead
we have been married for 11 years, and for the first 5 years or so, there were constant questions and prodding about children from some people, to which we’d respond “we don’t want to have children.”. and they would reply “you mean, EVER?” or “you’re young, you’ll change your mind.” strangely, i seem to know myself better than other people know me, because i still can never imagine myself as a “mom” (to a human – we do have the most beautiful puppy on the planet. you might have heard of him!).
it’s interesting, because the vast majority of my college friends do not have children or do not want children; i also have the best mom on earth, who completely knows how i feel and has never, not once in my life, questioned my decision, so i’m lucky to not feel any pressure from my friends or family.
Twitter: @Landlocked Bride
AMEN! People think I’m so weird for feeling this way. It’s 2010 people – it’s okay to do things differently!
.-= Brit’s most recent blog post: napkin tying alternative =-.
Twitter: @papernstitch
I accidentally found this post today and it was so wonderful to read that there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way I do. We have been asked by some family members that same question…fortunately those family members have not been our own parents because we made it perfectly clear to them before we were even married that was not a part of our plans.
I read a lot of blogs and it seems like virtually every blog I read, either the writer has recently become pregnant or already has kids. And it is so nice to read something that I can really identify with on this subject. Thanks so much for posting!
-Brittni
.-= brittni’s most recent blog post: Sunshine Today… =-.
Twitter: @magmaeA
Such a great piece, Cyd. Thanks so much for sharing this here. Offering you and your decision all the over-the-interwebs support possible!
.-= Maggie’s most recent blog post: Ask me anything (except about #$*&#$*&#) =-.
Twitter: @MojitoMaven
WORD.
I wrote almost an identical post last month!
I am happily aboard the No Baby Train. Though once my MIL fully grasps that concept, she is going to FREAK OUT. We already don’t get along that well. I can only imagine what this will mean for us.
.-= MojitoMaven’s most recent blog post: formspring me! =-.
Twitter: @andunlimited
Well-said! My boyfriend and I feel the exact same way about our future. When the questions start coming from our families, I think I’ll just direct them to this blog post. Thank you so much for sharing!
.-= Meredith Perdue’s most recent blog post: secret mission: photographing my sister getting engaged! =-.
i will pray for you.
Twitter: @savvybride
OHHHH girl. I’m so with you. I am sick sick sick of people telling me ‘oh, you’ll be ready some day. you’ll just know’ or ‘you’ll change your mind.’
i’m not so sure i’ll ever want children. I don’t particularly like them now. I would be perfectly content never having any. But i hate feeling like I’m a bad person for thinking that way!
wow, i wasn’t going to comment but that’s just horrible. sorry. i can’t have kids now,people are entitled to their opinion, but wow you have no idea how brutal you. previous comment. you get married and your husband comes first i agree, but if you given children great but to hate them is just..i dunno i have nothing to say. wow.
Hi Allison. I guess I missed the part where anyone said anything to indicate they hated children. And while I am certainly incredibly sorry to hear that you can’t have children, this post is about the unnecessary pressure put on new wives to have children, not a slam on anyone who is a mom, wants to become a mom or, tragically, might not be able to have children. The bottom line is – parenthood is a personal decision and isn’t one anyone should be making for anyone else, nor should anyone judge someone based on the decisions they make regarding children. If someone doesn’t like children for some reason, all the more reason for them to not make babies if you ask me. As for me, I love kids, but that’s irrelevant to this post, my feelings regarding whether or not I want to be a mom at this moment in my life and the fact that deciding to be a mom or not to be a mom isn’t for anyone else to decide.
.-= Cyd’s most recent blog post: Master Bedroom and Living Room Paint Colors =-.
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Love your post! This is totally how I feel about motherhood. I am 30 and dont quite have the urge to be a mother….yet…though I want children, I just dont know that now is the right time. Still that doesn’t stop the barrage of questions I get regularly about our plans to have children.
.-= Ginger @ Girls Just Wanna Have Funds’s most recent blog post: Insight: Who Influences Your Attitude Towards Money? =-.